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Post by TVFan on Jun 27, 2005 10:04:22 GMT -5
Got this one over email today...
George and Jim were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde named Tina walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said George, "but we don't have a ladder."
Tina took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Jim shook his head and laughed.! "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
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Post by Trublu on Jun 27, 2005 21:33:53 GMT -5
Hehe very funny Naj and TVFan... :smile40:
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Post by Shorty on Jul 9, 2005 18:24:26 GMT -5
LOL!!!!! , i love this thread ;D
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this ...
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. And no sooner than they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
IDIOTS AT WORK
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore. I could swear I've recently been with some of these people...
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
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Post by Ryebeach on Jul 9, 2005 21:08:37 GMT -5
These are hilarious!!!!!!!!!!! :smile21: :smile21: :smile21: Thanks for sharing Shorty. The Idiot Sighing #5 had me rolling in the aisles!!!!!!!!! :smile21: ;D
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Post by TVFan on Jul 11, 2005 10:56:29 GMT -5
Those are soooooooooo funny shorty!! You had me rolling, especially Idiot #5 like Ryebeach mentioned. Just a P.S to your IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD story, I saw an episode of Jay Leno one night and he was doing his famous HEADLINES feature. One of the headlines involved a woman who wanted the "Deer Crossing" sign removed because too many deer were crossing there and they were wondering into her yard! People just astound me!
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Post by Naj on Jul 12, 2005 9:50:55 GMT -5
Funny stuff shorty! :smile21:
Keep them coming folks! :smile69:
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Post by Trublu on Jul 12, 2005 10:29:04 GMT -5
Oh boy, these are just too funny. I'm having a hard time staying in my chair ;D
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Post by Naj on Jul 12, 2005 13:14:20 GMT -5
Maybe Blondes Are Not All Dumb
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb...
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Post by V on Jul 12, 2005 13:59:54 GMT -5
Good one, Naj. I think that is the first non-dumb blonde joke I've heard. ;D
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
:smile11:
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Post by Shorty on Jul 13, 2005 5:45:03 GMT -5
LOL!!!!! ;D
Notes from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank:
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by All."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
* Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour Very mild.
FRANK: what IS this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
* Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
* Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
* Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.
* Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
* Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
* Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3; he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
* Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: Momma??!!
and ways to describe an idiot
Mental agility of a soap dish Impervious to brain damage. Informationally deprived IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut. A few bits short of a byte. Knows Atlanta like the back of her hand, but she’s in Chicago. Lamborghini chassis, moped engine Left the store without all of his groceries Library is well stocked - with chewing gum. Little red choo-choo done jumped the track. Lives in the same world, but a different universe. Living proof of evolution. Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room. Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence. Mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled. Mind like a steel trap -- full of mice. Mind wandered and never came back. Moves his lips to pretend he's reading. A walking argument for birth control. About as smart as bait. Not much to show for four billion years of evolution. Not only a few brick short, but is missing someone else's bricks as well. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. Answers the door when the phone rings. One drop short of an empty bladder. Ought to have a warning label on his forehead. Plays solitaire... for cash. Quick as a corpse. Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much Skating on the wrong side of the ice. Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
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Post by Shorty on Jul 13, 2005 6:08:32 GMT -5
just found this one
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from A to B had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
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Post by V on Jul 13, 2005 6:55:45 GMT -5
Shorty, I'm still crying over your chili tester joke. That was HILARIOUS! Thanks -- I needed a good laugh this morning. :smile4:
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Post by Trublu on Jul 13, 2005 9:47:12 GMT -5
Oh my goodness guys, where do you some up with this stuff? ;D :smile21: :smile21:
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Post by TVFan on Jul 13, 2005 10:24:28 GMT -5
These are all sooo funny! Thanks for making me laugh guys!
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Post by Shorty on Jul 13, 2005 14:53:14 GMT -5
thank my dad, not me. i went through his received jokes (with his permission) and posted the ones i liked, im staying with him at the moment because mums in aukland so ill have a look for some more
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Post by TVFan on Jul 14, 2005 10:27:40 GMT -5
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh ... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, So ... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
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Post by Naj on Jul 14, 2005 19:20:14 GMT -5
Good one, Naj. I think that is the first non-dumb blonde joke I've heard. ;D Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!" OMG! :smile21: :smile11: :smile69: TV! :smile21:
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Post by Naj on Jul 17, 2005 20:07:49 GMT -5
Blonde Goes Fishing A blonde decided to go ice fishing.
So, she gathered her gear and headed to the nearest pond she could find.
She started to cut a hole in the ice when suddenly a booming voice says: "There are no fish under the ice!"
She turned around startled and looked and didn't see anybody.
So she went further and started to cut a hole in the ice.
Again the booming voice:" There are no fish under the ice!!"
She turned around again and then said: "Is that God?"
"No," said the booming voice. "This is the ice rink manager!!"
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Post by TVFan on Jul 18, 2005 10:20:49 GMT -5
:smile21: Naj!
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Post by TVFan on Jul 20, 2005 10:20:02 GMT -5
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and ! cried ho rribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down...
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your a$$, it always comes back to bite you.
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