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Post by Naj on Apr 17, 2005 12:13:27 GMT -5
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just__landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."
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Post by Ryebeach on Apr 17, 2005 14:09:58 GMT -5
foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] Great idea for a thread Naj. Here's one of my favorites. I fell off my chair laughing when I first read this one: Don't Lie To MotherA young man named Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mums thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates". About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I will email her just to be sure" said Peter. So he sat down ans wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PETER Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read: DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT) foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG]
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Post by Naj on Apr 17, 2005 20:11:26 GMT -5
:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Post by Naj on Apr 18, 2005 8:50:11 GMT -5
Many may not get this since I'm OLDER but these are funny to me.
Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include: Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone Abba - Denture Queen Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
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Post by TVFan on Apr 18, 2005 13:20:58 GMT -5
foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG] This thread is cracking me up! And this will have me laghing all the way into tomorrow!! Anyway, here's my entry: Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack." Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied "Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me." "That, too, is horrible," said the gatekeeper. Then he asked the third man the same question. His reply was... "OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator..." foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG]
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Post by Naj on Apr 22, 2005 10:14:12 GMT -5
;D TV! A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and Enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. This is great, "he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110,120 mph. Then he thought, "What am doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said,looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
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Post by Ryebeach on Apr 28, 2005 20:15:02 GMT -5
Great ones TVFan and Naj! Here's another: Things Kids SayFinding one of her students making faces at the others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told tha if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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Post by eurache on May 1, 2005 7:16:52 GMT -5
:lol: :lol:
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Post by TVFan on May 5, 2005 12:37:50 GMT -5
Someone just sent this to me via email:
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from this evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."
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Post by Ryebeach on May 5, 2005 17:40:14 GMT -5
Too funny!! :lol:
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Post by eurache on May 6, 2005 6:23:56 GMT -5
Great jokes :lol:
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Post by Naj on May 6, 2005 13:01:57 GMT -5
Ryebeach and TV! ;D :lol: :lol: :bananna: I'm gonna have to keep my eyes open for some jokes soon!
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Post by r2k on May 7, 2005 23:19:26 GMT -5
I got a good one. And it is a true story. Years back a special ed teacher had a boy in her class named Patrick. He was odd but nice. Anyway, he loved to pick his nose. The teacher noticed and asked, "Why are you picking your nose?" His response, "Well, I've got to get that booger out somehow!" She then asked, "Why didn't you use tissue paper?" He belted out a classic response that holds true. "Because tissue paper doesn't have fingers!!"
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Post by Naj on May 8, 2005 10:04:38 GMT -5
I got a good one. And it is a true story. Years back a special ed teacher had a boy in her class named Patrick. He was odd but nice. Anyway, he loved to pick his nose. The teacher noticed and asked, "Why are you picking your nose?" His response, "Well, I've got to get that booger out somehow!" She then asked, "Why didn't you use tissue paper?" He belted out a classic response that holds true. "Because tissue paper doesn't have fingers!!" eewwwhhh! ;D
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Post by Ryebeach on May 8, 2005 22:02:41 GMT -5
Here's a good one to start everyone's work week off.
So this salesman walks into the new bar which is located on the 15 floor of the hotel. He sits down and orders a drink.
The bespectacled gent next to him looks up from his martini and strikes up a conversation.
"Funny thing about this hotels construction," he says, "You can jump out of the window there and the wind will gently push you back into the building around the 6th floor." The first guy looks at him quizzically and says "I think you've had enough!" "No, really! I tried it the other day!" says the second guy as he cleans his glasses, "Watch! I'll do it again." So both of them walk over to the window and the second guy talks a deep breath and throws himself out the window. The first guy is watching in alarm when the jumper floats into the window about 10 stories down. The jumper walks back into the bar a couple of minutes later and sits down next to his stunned drinking partner. "Geez, man" he sputters, "You got awfully lucky!" "No, it's the way this building is constructed." replies the jumper, "It happens all the time. Here, I'll do it again." So he throws himself out the window, floats back in and comes back up to the bar. "Wow!" says the salesman as he throws back a shot, "I've got to try that!" and then stands up, goes to the window, throws himself out, and plummets to his death.
The bartender turns to the snickering floater and says "You're a real butthead when you're drunk, Superman."
:lol: :lol: :lol: :tongue:
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Post by TVFan on May 9, 2005 11:46:02 GMT -5
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Post by eurache on May 12, 2005 7:02:13 GMT -5
I got this joke in my email.. ;D FOUR ANIMALS You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make! A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said: "All I want out of life is four little animals". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and ...................... a jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher fainted.
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Post by eurache on May 12, 2005 7:11:18 GMT -5
another one ;D I LOVE MY JOB! I LOVE MY JOB!! TRUE STORYThis is even funnier when you realize it's real! The next time you have a bad day at work... think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in , Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue: Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job" ;D foujylos.notlong.com [/IMG]
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Post by Naj on May 12, 2005 9:06:54 GMT -5
Ryebeach ;D Eurache *ouch*
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Post by Shorty on May 20, 2005 4:41:32 GMT -5
dads got lots of jokes, some are good ;D
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold an egg. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
aaaaand
Lessons of life 1. If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is NOT for you.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. No one is listening-until you fart.
4. Don't become indispensable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. People DO care whether you are alive or dead - ,
Try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.
8. Some days you are the dog; some days you are the post.
9. Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and bad experience comes from bad judgment.
10. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
11. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
lips are moving.
12. There is only one strategy men can use
to successfully argue with women.
(- Yet to be discovered.)
13. The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket 14. Wisdom is something you acquire - just after you need it.
15. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
But TEACH him how to fish, and he will be able to
- sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
16. The darkest hour is just before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk,
- that's the time to do it.
17. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just go away and leave me alone !!
18. Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
(That way, when you criticize them, you're
a mile away- and you have their shoes. J )
and finally …
19. Always remember- you're unique.
(Just like everyone else.)
also, my favourite sign/saying
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
gonna stop now-this posts getting way to long
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