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Post by lillyfan on Sept 16, 2009 16:09:13 GMT -5
That one's good Naj!!!
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Post by Naj on Sept 18, 2009 8:11:57 GMT -5
lillyfan, I finally caught up with this thread. The making the baby was funny! ;D
Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Rodney, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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Post by Naj on Sept 21, 2009 8:10:23 GMT -5
I Am The Law!
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
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Post by lillyfan on Sept 21, 2009 8:33:43 GMT -5
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. This is why I never call in sick unless I'm actually sick. Because if I lie to my boss one day the next evening I'll be sick as a dog. This one happens to me all the time. Well, they all do but this one the most and I hate it.
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Post by Naj on Sept 25, 2009 8:05:55 GMT -5
Planes, Trains, and Congress...
A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble...
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She Needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said,"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the Airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it Be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said,"Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" Replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, Ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
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Post by Naj on Sept 29, 2009 8:31:19 GMT -5
Generation Next...
There have been a couple of generations in the last sixty years that have missed the boat but this group isn't one of them. A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 1st graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses...........until they stop running.
2. Strike while the............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before..............Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....................termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but........................how?
6. Don't bite the hand that..........................looks dirty.
7. No news is.........................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a....................................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...........................math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ......stink in the morning.
11. Love all,trust................................ me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...................... ......pigs.
13. An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's.......................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ...................................not much.
17. Two's company, three's ....................the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ......you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.......................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed................get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ................see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind................get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than......................................pregnant
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Post by lillyfan on Sept 29, 2009 9:29:33 GMT -5
Don't know if anyone will think these are funny but I did because I live in Utah (note the last statement)
FORGET REDNECKS; THIS IS WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY HAD TO SAY ABOUT UTAHNS! If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September to May, you live in Utah.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Utah.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Utah
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Utah.
If 'vacation' means going anywhere south of Salt Lake City for the weekend, you live in Utah.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Utah.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Utah.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Utah.
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in Utah.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Utah.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Utah.
If the speed limit on the highway is 75 mph -- you're going 80, and everyone is still passing you, you live in Utah.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Utah.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Utah.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly' you live in Utah.
If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends, you live in Utah.
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Post by Naj on Sept 30, 2009 8:42:09 GMT -5
Got a funny joke for us? Send it in to SendJokes@Joke-Of-The-Day.com
S-P-E-L-L--T-H-I-S...
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia." ;D
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Post by Naj on Oct 1, 2009 8:24:23 GMT -5
Work: A Retrospective...
* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
* Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
* When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
* Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
* To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
* There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
* If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
* When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
* The longer the title, the less important the job.
* Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
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Post by Naj on Oct 6, 2009 8:10:37 GMT -5
Internet Forum Lightbulb Maintenance...
How many online forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?
to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ".
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again...
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Post by Naj on Oct 7, 2009 8:21:13 GMT -5
Zen Sarcasm, Part 1... 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the h*ll alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. ;D 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
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Post by Naj on Oct 13, 2009 9:23:51 GMT -5
Silly Sermons... A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars: The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead? Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the service.
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Post by Naj on Oct 14, 2009 8:15:35 GMT -5
Wisdom, Wisdom, and More Wisdom!
Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS, I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
I always know God won't give me more than I can handle, bu! there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
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Post by Naj on Oct 21, 2009 8:30:26 GMT -5
The Best Way To Pray...
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
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Post by Naj on Oct 22, 2009 8:48:56 GMT -5
A Note From My Cat...
Hello. My name is Sita, and my pets' names are Sandy, Joel, and Judy. They are the ones who give me food when ordered to, though they are a bit slow and often need to be reminded several times. I try to make the rules clear, but their comprehension is so limited. They have been telling me that you creatures don't understand our straightforward communications and that you prefer this complicated mess you call speech. Here is my first attempt to relay critical information to you using that medium; please respond and let me know how I'm doing.
These are the Rules; please familiarize yourselves with them thoroughly:
Petting: This is permitted when I am in the mood. Be warned that my mood changes from moment to moment. When I wish you to stop, I will issue a warning look, or perhaps a firm pat with my closed paw. Please take the hint; after that first warning it can get ugly.
Combing: Not permitted. Don't even think about it. I do a fine job of my own hygiene, thank you.
Chasing Strings & Stuff: When I was young & foolish, I used to indulge you sometimes with this human game. I am now mature and have more important matters to attend to. Like naps.
The Sandbox: Please keep it clean. I hate having to poop on the bare floor because someone's not doing his job.
The Patio Door: Should remain open at all times, regardless of the weather. I've tried to explain this. Humans don't understand the simplest things. When I am inside sitting by the door and speak my command to you, it means open the door. You seem to get that, but then after I've gone through it you CLOSE it again? How dumb are you? Then I repeat the command, understandably, from the outside. You open it again and then what? As soon as I go through, it's closed. Sometimes I've tried NOT going through after commanding the door open, but you just close it anyway. We need to work on this one.
The Window: This was obviously put there for me to see when there is a dangerous invader, in the form of another cat, on the other side of it. It's quite the clever invention, actually. It serves the purpose as well of thudding in a most satisfying way when I hurl myself against it, growling menacingly at the intruder. Please do not be alarmed by this; I am only protecting our territory.
Airlines Tags: Forget about catnip. These are the real treat. Biting and licking them is so satisfying. However, I do not appreciate your taking these objects with you and leaving me here to contend with catsitter pets. The latter are inferior in quality and will simply not do. Good help is clearly hard to come by.Please leave the tags in place for me instead of going out for new ones.
The Car: Whoever came up with this infernal machine should be kept awake all night with catfights. And his (or her) clothes should be left on the couch to accumulate infinite sheddings. They should be cared for by catsitters forever.
I think I've spent quite enough time at this. If there are any errors in the text, you may attribute them to my pet's inadequate translation or transcription abilities. I shall attend to more important matters, now that it's dark out. If you should happen by you may see me through the window, keeping watch.
-Sita
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Post by Naj on Oct 28, 2009 14:00:41 GMT -5
Starting to Get Chili...
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
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Post by Naj on Nov 2, 2009 8:11:23 GMT -5
Sunday School...
PALM SUNDAY: It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm brances. The boy asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,"
"Wouldn't you know it?" the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go He shows up!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON: One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
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Post by lillyfan on Nov 3, 2009 9:16:59 GMT -5
Naj, the chilli one was awful, but freakin hilarious
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Post by Naj on Nov 11, 2009 15:29:00 GMT -5
The Doctor Is In... ;D
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
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