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Post by V on May 20, 2005 11:52:39 GMT -5
Here's a cute one -- some of you may already know it. GIRLS NIGHT OUTTwo women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the drinks. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone. The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, From all of us at the firestation, we'll never forget you.
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Post by TVFan on Jun 2, 2005 15:59:58 GMT -5
I just found this one...
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
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Post by Naj on Jun 3, 2005 17:48:26 GMT -5
Oh my! :smile27:
~Naj :smile22:
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Post by Shorty on Jun 5, 2005 3:29:32 GMT -5
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ (Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? *Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? *Orange, of course.
What do you mean you failed?! :smile6:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Post by TVFan on Jun 5, 2005 13:39:00 GMT -5
Too funny shorty!! :smile21:
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Post by Naj on Jun 9, 2005 13:52:29 GMT -5
True Police Stories
GOOD A Bloomington, IL policeman had a perfect spot towatch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Peoria, IL. ..... a $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Illinois State Trooper walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. He replied, "Illinois State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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Post by TVFan on Jun 9, 2005 16:08:54 GMT -5
Great stories Naj!
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Post by Ryebeach on Jun 9, 2005 20:14:35 GMT -5
:smile21: :smile21: :smile21:
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Post by Trublu on Jun 9, 2005 20:36:24 GMT -5
Hehe Naj those were awesome. :smile21: :smile49:
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Post by Ryebeach on Jun 9, 2005 20:43:52 GMT -5
As I work in a Doctor's office, I'm always on the lookout for good Doctor jokes. This one is hilarious. Actual Writings from Hospital Charts
1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her side for over a year. 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 9. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. >> > >>> > 12. She is numb from her toes down. 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 14. The skin was moist and dry. 15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 20. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 21. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 22. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. ;D
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Post by Naj on Jun 10, 2005 8:40:56 GMT -5
I can't single one out, Ryebeach. They are funny. :smile21:
~Naj :smile20:
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Post by Trublu on Jun 10, 2005 22:09:05 GMT -5
Haha Ryebeach, too funny. :smile34:
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Post by Ryebeach on Jun 18, 2005 9:41:01 GMT -5
This one's kind of cute. Computer Problems
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. You know the type; thick glasses, unshaven, pocket protector full of pens, pencils and Sharpie markers. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, ! what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ........ ID10T
I used to like Harold. ;D
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Post by TVFan on Jun 20, 2005 9:31:05 GMT -5
Too funny Ryebeach! :smile21:
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Post by Trublu on Jun 20, 2005 14:58:20 GMT -5
Awesome Ryebeach. :smile20:
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Post by foxfire0114 on Jun 20, 2005 17:28:51 GMT -5
great idea starting this thread, Naj!
:smile21: lots of funny jokes
here's one i read awhile back...
How To Get Out Of a Speeding Ticket
A man is pulled over by a police officer for speeding.
The officer walks up to the man in the car and says " I've just caught you speeding. Can I please see your license and registration?"
The man in the car replies, "I dont have a license."
So the officer says, "Ok then. Can I see the ID for this car?", and the man goes "This isn't my car. I stole it."
And the officer says "Oh really now. Ok. Where is the owner?"
The man answers, "I shot the owner. I have the gun in the glovebox and the body is in the boot."
And the officer starts to get scared so he calls his Sergeant and about 2 minutes later the car is surrounded by lots of cop cars. The sergeant walks up to the car and says to the man "I have been told by one of my officers that you have no license, have stolen this car, shot the owner, put the gun in the glovebox and the body in the boot."
The man in the car exclaims, "No I have not!"
So the sergeant checks the boot and there is no body. Then he checks the glovebox and there is no gun, and the license plate check shows the man owns the car and has a valid driver's license and ID for the car.
The sergeant then says, "Well I was told that you did all this stuff by one of my officers."
The man in the car says, "Yea, and I bet he told you I was speeding as well?"
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Post by Ryebeach on Jun 20, 2005 20:46:08 GMT -5
:smile21: :smile21: :smile21: Too funny foxfire.
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Post by Trublu on Jun 20, 2005 21:24:33 GMT -5
Haha foxfire... too funny. Imagine going through all that just to get out of a speeding ticket! :smile69:
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Post by Naj on Jun 22, 2005 10:56:06 GMT -5
funny foxfire! :smile64:
Okay here's a joke:
JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER... Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide - it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
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Post by TVFan on Jun 22, 2005 15:55:43 GMT -5
Haha Naj! Sad, but it's probably happened before!
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