Ad Absurdum: The Cold Case Edition.

[The Reverend Bizarre]

Summary: This is an absurdist humor piece that places the characters in very absurd situations. If these pieces make perfect sense then I have failed.

On a certain day Detectives Lilly Rush, Scotty Valens, and Nick Vera were inside of an empty office building. They had been chasing a suspect for a painstakenly 10 minutes when he slipped into the next room. Unfortunately for the detectives the door was now locked. Such is the matter with these absurd situations.

"Ok, what are we going to do?" Lilly asked the other two detectives.

Nick rummaged through his coat pockets and produced a wet piece of paper. "I found this blocking the toilet." he coughed, handing the wet debri to Lilly.

Lilly cringed, and so Scotty grabbed the paper. He opened it and read the contents.

"There is a clock in front of you.
Examine the clock.
Oh come on!
It's not that hard!
Just examine the friggin' clock!"

"Hmm, I think we're supposed to examine that clock." Scotty remarked.

So, Lilly Rush ran to the only clock in the room and examined it. "I don't see anything!", she yelled. "Oh wait aminute!"

She noticed a rolled up piece of paper. Carefully she pulled it out and read it.

"Here's what to do, and I won't lie. Recall the time when some Beautiful Fool played the piano."

If Lilly looked dumbstruck, then Scotty and Nick looked completely overwhelmed. "What in the world does that mean?"

Lilly, Scotty, and Nick sat on the chairs wondering what the memo could possibly mean. Then Nick noticed something on the floor, he bent over to pick it up. It was a scrap of paper, and it read "Episode Summary for "Beautiful Little Fool"

"Hmm, listen to this. Detective Lilly Rush...hey that's a neat coincidence!" Nick piped.

Lilly more or less did this --->

"Anyways...Detective Lilly Rush opens up the 1929 case of a young song writer." Nick continued.

Scotty did some calculations in his head. "1+9 = 10. 2+9 = 11. Let's try setting the clock to 10:11!"

And so the detectives did just that, and when the minute hand hit 11 they heard a click. The door was unlocked, and the detectives rejoiced. As the three walked into the next room Scotty asked, "Does it bother anybody else that we broke the Fourth Wall?"

(Stay tuned for the next episode when Detective Lilly Rush gets trapped inside of her own head!)

[jambled]

LOL! THis is great. You know... It reminds me a little of The Might Boosh. Has anyone seen that? Bizarre humour... But brilliant. It's a Brit show I think.
Right, but back on topic, next episode sounds good lol. This was funny.

[tiger_lilly]

Haha! This is great! I love how you mixed up reality and fiction...more more more!

[michelle]

Funny!!!! I love that they chased him around an empty room for 10 minutes. Can't wait for the next installment.

[longislanditalian2]

Just brilliant, very well written

[The Reverend Bizarre]

Thankyou everyone for the compliments!

Unfortunately do to some health issues *stupid stomach* I'll have to wait till tomorrow to post the next scene.

[The Reverend Bizarre]

At her house, Lilly Rush and Joseph were romping about on the bed.

And they romped...

and romped...

...and romped

....and romped
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and they....
.
.
.
.
.
"I AM A BANANA!" Yelled Scotty Valens as he burst into the room; thus giving Lilly quite a scare, and Joseph a heart attack.

"Dang it, Valens, he was good for at least one more episode!" Lilly wailed.

"But, Lil, we miss the isolated you that just loved work." Scotty answered.

Lilly sighed, and then went back to work.

(On Next Week's Episode of Ad Absurdum: The Cold Case edition)

Lilly: I'm bored.

Stillman: Hi, bored.

Random Guy: No, holmes, I no kill el chica.

Random Girl: I'm dead!

****
Part 3. (aka This is what happens when you mix Cold Case with other scripts.)

Lilly: Are you Dahlia Gillespie?

Dahlia: I've been expecting you! I knew this day would come!

Lilly: Yeah, listen, what can you tell me about the murder of Rachel Black?

Dahlia: You're looking for the girl? Right?

Lilly: Yes.

Dahlia: You were too late!

Lilly: Yeah I know, I'm trying to find her killer.

Dahlia: You must follow the path! The path of the hermit concealed by Flauros!

Lilly: What the flying *beeep* are you talking about?

Dahlia: Make haste to the hospital, before it's too late!

Lilly: (sighs* Whatever. *She leaves, only to bump into a man in his 30s. This is Harry Mason, the protaganist of SH1)

Harry: Have you seen a little girl? Short black hair, just turned 7 last month? She's my daughter.

Lilly: No, I haven't. Where did you lose her?

Harry: This may sound really off the wall, but listen to me. I'm not going crazy.

Lilly: Riiight (she now suspects that this man may be a crazed pedo)

Harry: This town is being overrun by the Otherworld.

Lilly: *sighs* Listen, either get lost, or I'll arrest you.

Harry leaves her alone. Lilly drives to the hospital. When she enters she's approaced by a lathe young man with wild chestnut hair. This is Stanley Coleman, stalker/obsessed man/ancient God of Silent Hill 3.

Stanley: Today is the day! Yes the day that you and I would meet! That's why you came here, to free me from this place.

Lilly: Umm, no.

Stanley: Don't stand on ceremony now. You and I exist as one, what I give to you is the same as what I give to me.

Lilly: Get away from me before I have you arrested!

Stanley: Goodbye my love...

*

"AAAAAAHHH!!" Screamed Lilly as she bolted from her bed. She turned to her left to see Joseph looking at her.

"What happened?" Joseph asked.

"I had that dream again." Lilly sighed.

"The one about the Mayor cancelling Christmas?"

"No."

"Oh, what then?"

"It was the one where I'm talking to people who keep saying stupid things." She answered.

"It was just a dream."

"Yeah I know."

***

Next Week on AA: The Cold Case Edition

*Show the Detectives Tap dancing.*

[jambled]

That was awesome; I loved the lines

What the flying *beeep* are you talking about?

and

"The one about the Mayor cancelling Christmas?"

Hee. I'm loving this. It's like surrealism for writing. Next week is lookin' good. Oh, PS- hope your stomach is either feeling better or on the mend!

[longislanditalian2]

You made me laugh ,good work

[The Reverend Bizarre]

Thanks everyone!

Oh, PS- hope your stomach is either feeling better or on the mend!

Yeah, I went to the doctors. Turns out I have gallstones that I have to get removed.

[michelle]

"I AM A BANANA!" Yelled Scotty Valens as he burst into the room; thus giving Lilly quite a scare, and Joseph a heart attack.

"Dang it, Valens, he was good for at least one more episode!" Lilly wailed.

*Laughing till I snort the beverage of the moment all over the moniter*

[The Reverend Bizarre]

Warning: What you are about to read is something so horrifying that it has scared the hearts of even the most fearless warriors.

It has been announced that Uwe Boll (director of Alone in the Dark; Blood Raye; and House of the Dead) will be directing the upcoming Cold Case movie. With my awesome powers I was able to travel into the future and see the trailor.

Cast List

Cameron Diaz - Lilly Rush

Skeet Ulrich - Motorcycle guy (is it Kite or Ray?)

Jesse Metclif - Scotty Valens

Christian Slater - Joseph

Carmen Electra - Amy James

Ben Kingsley - Stillman

(and then there's all the people who are dead, yeah.)

Announcer: In the city of Phileldephia people die...everyday!

*show a scene of someone getting shot.*

Announcer: And most of the time these heinous crimes are left covered by the snow.

*show a scene with Lilly, and Scotty walking along. Both are wearing long black trenchcoats. This is to show that they are bada*****.*

*Show a shot of Lilly and Scotty in the precint talking to Stillman.*

Stillman: We got a case, of an Amy James that was killed two years ago.

Lilly: We on it chief, like butter on bread.

Scotty: Like peanut butter on jelly.

Lilly: Mmm that right, babay!

Announcer: In a city where the dead never sleep, it can be hard finding romance.

*show Lilly and Joseph in bed.*

Joseph: Ya love me baby?

Lilly: You know I do Joseph!

Ray: But what about me?

Lilly: We broke up.

Ray: Aww!

*suddenly Scotty Valens bursts into the room playing a guitar, and singing some Spanish love song. Lilly and Joseph quickly cover themselves.*

Announcer: But when a new case emerges it will change the lives of everyone

*show Lilly staring at a picture of the victim. She then notices something.*

*show Lilly walking along with Stillman*

Lilly: The victim was killed on this island.

Stillman: That's the island of the Dead!

Lilly: GASP!


*show Lilly and Scotty kung fu fighting ninjas.*

Announcer: This movie will blow you away with...

*Show Lilly and Scotty kissing.*

Romance!

*show Lilly coming out of a hottub in a skimpy bikini with a bazooka in her hands*

Intrigue!

*show Joseph and Ray punching each other.*

Ray: I deserve to be with her!

Joseph: Like the cats she sleeps with, you don't!

Announcer: Men fighting over a woman!

*show a mysterious figure in the shadows*

Mystery Figure: My plan will work. When these detectives arrive on the island, I will unleash the dead on them! HA HA HA!!

Mystery!!

*show Lilly talking to a young girl*

Girl: I'm dead.

Lilly: But you're here.

Girl: NOW IT TIME TO KEEL YOU!!

Lilly: Not on my watch *blasts girl away with a bazooka*

Angst!

Announcer: Coming to theatres in 2010: Directed and written by Uwe Boll: Cold Case The Movie!

Rated R!

[Athame]

[tiger_lilly]

OMG

You are GOOD!

[longislanditalian2]

You are too much , this story really cracks me up ;D

[The Reverend Bizarre]

Author's Note: Lately it seems that everytime I'm sarcastic it comes true. If in 2010 they actually release a Cold Case movie and it is directed by Uwe Boll, you all promise not to sue me for the future despair you will face.

(oh yeah, and I'm a pie.)

[jambled]

That was freakin awesome.

[The Reverend Bizarre]

One fine morning on the eve of September the 9th, (and don't ask me what's so important about that date.) Joseph and Lilly were sitting at the table eating Hot Pockets and slushies. Joseph had a blonde cat perched on his shoulder, and this for some reason bothered Lilly. Even though she herself had a calico cat perched atop her head.

"Joseph, I think it's about time we break up." Lilly said.

"But, why honey shnookums?" asked Joseph.

Lilly looked at the cat that was perched atop of Joseph, and sighed. "It's just, you love cats."

"And so do you sweety pie." Joseph said in a sickenly sweet voice.

"Joseph, I can't cook and I can't clean. Remember the time I tried making lasagna and I accidently put it in with the cleaning bucket, and then I cleaned a wall using that stuff. Yech, it looked gross."

"Yeah, when I saw you slumped down on the floor I thought for sure you had...OH GOD LILLY IF I LOST YOU!! WAAAH!!" Joseph started crying.

Lilly cringed, that was another thing she didn't like about Joseph. He was way too sensitive.

"Look Joseph, the real reason I want to break up is because I'm in love with myself."

"but, you can't marry yourself." Joseph snivled.

"No, not yet, but in the future they may find a way to split the soul in half." Lilly mused.

"Lil, sweetums, when did you become so philosophical?" Joseph asked.

"I don't know. Listen I need to go pick up a bottle of wine. I'll be back."

And then Lilly left, and she was gone for a whole 30 minutes and Joseph got so worried that he began searching for her, but then he was kidnapped by evil wolves who took him to the island of Dr. Kauveman.

And there was much rejoicing from Lilly.

[tiger_lilly]

Oh wow! When I think it can't get any weirder...IT DOES!

[michelle]

Hurray! Potential ridicule and torture to Joseph!!!

I don't really mean that. (Well, OK. A little pain a torture.)

Hey, about something inflicted by a Lilly in black leather with a whip???