Shannon
Desk Clerk I
the one who's name we shall not say's Gal[/color]
Cold Case Just Got Hotter!
Posts: 35
|
Post by Shannon on Sept 17, 2005 18:51:42 GMT -5
I decide i do some too lol!
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
|
|
Shannon
Desk Clerk I
the one who's name we shall not say's Gal[/color]
Cold Case Just Got Hotter!
Posts: 35
|
Post by Shannon on Sept 17, 2005 18:54:03 GMT -5
www.coolfunnyjokes.com/ I got these on there A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A MillionaireRegis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!" Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars." "I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure. Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham." (ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..." Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara." Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush" Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo." Barbara: "You think?" Maggie: "I'm sure." Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up) Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?" Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo" Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet." Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." (clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest? Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
|
|
|
Post by Ju on Sept 17, 2005 19:06:50 GMT -5
:smile81: :smile81: LMAO ;D
|
|
Shannon
Desk Clerk I
the one who's name we shall not say's Gal[/color]
Cold Case Just Got Hotter!
Posts: 35
|
Post by Shannon on Sept 17, 2005 19:16:20 GMT -5
My fav is the blonde paint job lol! If i find anymore i will post them here
|
|
|
Post by stlcardinalfan on Sept 17, 2005 21:31:09 GMT -5
THE TELEVISIONA blonde went to an appliance store to buy a new television. When she found one she wanted, the salesman turned her down saying "We don't sell to blondes." So she went out and dyed her hair brown and came back to the store but was turned down again "We don't sell to blondes." Then she dyed her hair red. When she went back the sales man told her once again "We don't sell to blondes." She started to get tiffed and asked "Why do you think I'm a blonde? Can't you see my hair's red? " The salesman answered "I know you're a blonde because that 'television' is a microwave!" OMG that is sooo funny! Where did you get that at LOL! I don't remember exactly where I heard it, but whenever someone tells me a joke I can't ever forget it.
|
|
|
Post by panhandler101 on Sept 17, 2005 22:40:45 GMT -5
:smile36: THE TALKING CLOCK
Three drunks were having a discussion as the bar closed one night. The one drunk bragged that he had a 'talking clock' at home. The other two drunks thought that this might be something quite interesting to see so they followed the first drunk home. As they entered his apartment they noticed a huge grandfather clock in the corner. The one drunk said "well, that just looks like a normal clock". The first drunk said "watch this" and proceeded to pick up a large hammer and hit the the chimes on the clock. A loud thumping was heard from the wall and a voice yelled, "What the hell is the matter with you, it's 3:30 in the morning!!".
|
|
|
Post by Naj on Sept 18, 2005 8:22:44 GMT -5
:smile6: :smile64: :smile21: Hello panhandler! Nice to see you back! ~Naj
|
|
Shannon
Desk Clerk I
the one who's name we shall not say's Gal[/color]
Cold Case Just Got Hotter!
Posts: 35
|
Post by Shannon on Sept 18, 2005 16:01:40 GMT -5
Crazy Patients
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
|
|
|
Post by soccerulz on Sept 18, 2005 16:05:24 GMT -5
ROFL
That was great! Thanks.
|
|
Shannon
Desk Clerk I
the one who's name we shall not say's Gal[/color]
Cold Case Just Got Hotter!
Posts: 35
|
Post by Shannon on Sept 18, 2005 16:05:35 GMT -5
Birth Control From www.funnyjoke.netAn elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I’d like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night."
|
|
|
Post by soccerulz on Sept 18, 2005 16:06:55 GMT -5
:smile81:
Thanks again!
|
|
|
Post by Ju on Sept 18, 2005 18:25:25 GMT -5
:smile21: Poor grandmother...
|
|
|
Post by TVFan on Sept 19, 2005 13:20:48 GMT -5
These jokes have me cracking up! ;D
|
|
|
Post by soccerulz on Sept 19, 2005 14:58:06 GMT -5
Me too! I haven't poked into this thread in a while, but I'm glad I did. I needed a good laugh. Haha.
|
|
|
Post by Shorty on Sept 24, 2005 19:40:45 GMT -5
15 Things to do at K-Mart while your partner is taking her/his time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code3' in housewares,...and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay by. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone? 9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"
And last but not least: 15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here"
|
|
|
Post by Shorty on Sept 24, 2005 20:10:05 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Shorty on Sept 24, 2005 20:54:43 GMT -5
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1- The bartender is a blonde woman.
2- The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3- I'm a 6', 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
..... oooh, i would hate to be him after that
|
|
|
Post by Shorty on Sept 24, 2005 21:09:28 GMT -5
THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS. 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." 4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better"
THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS 1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 2. A room temperature IQ. 3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 6. As bright as Alaska in December. 7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 8. He's so dense, light bends around him. 9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 10. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm. 11. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
THE FOLLOWING ARE REAL CONVERSATIONS DIRECTORY ENQUIRIES OPERATORS HAD WITH CALLERS, AS REVEALED IN INTERVIEWS WITH STAFF AT THE CARDIFF D.E. CENTRE.
Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off. * * * Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: Woven? Are you sure? Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland. * * * Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please. Operator: Where are you calling from? Caller: The living room * * * Caller: The water board please. Operator: Which department? Caller: Tap water. * * * Operator: How are you spelling that? Caller: With letters. * * * Caller: I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please. Operator: Do you have his name? Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben. * * * Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please. Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
|
|
|
Post by Shorty on Sept 24, 2005 21:19:06 GMT -5
When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar......and the beer. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar were full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar were full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar were full. The students responded with an unanimous yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions -things that if everything else were lost, and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else-the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
|
|
|
Post by Shorty on Sept 24, 2005 22:44:27 GMT -5
not really a joke, but still, its interesting i think
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro
|
|