Gina
Reformed Bad Gurl
10%
I like women, wine, and spaghetti.
Posts: 55,002
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Post by Gina on Apr 21, 2009 20:02:38 GMT -5
Hehehehe. ;D I think I heard that one somewhere. ;D
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 21, 2009 20:12:24 GMT -5
Good one CBL
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Post by Naj on Apr 22, 2009 9:13:01 GMT -5
lol cbl! ;D
Management Lesson, Part 2...
A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 22, 2009 11:41:37 GMT -5
Good one Naj ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png)
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Post by coldboneslove398 on Apr 22, 2009 21:21:33 GMT -5
A long funny one...
Preparation for Parenthood
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!, Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 23, 2009 0:43:51 GMT -5
Good one CBL
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Post by Naj on Apr 23, 2009 8:21:26 GMT -5
CBL, whoever took time to write that up is certainly knowledgeable about babies... ![](http://yelims.free.fr/SpecialNouveauxNes/Bebe14.gif) ;D # 3. # 4, # 8, # 11 ~~~ Am I Mental? Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go. Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "Yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Darryl said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I d be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl s hand, and told him he was free to go. On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Harold answered." "Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?" "My hat would fall down over my eyes."
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 23, 2009 11:37:59 GMT -5
Lol Naj
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Post by Naj on Apr 24, 2009 10:11:48 GMT -5
The Best of Late Night...
"Some Americans did a very dumb thing today. They had tea party protests. They've been mailing tea bags to Congress to I guess express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government spending because nothing shakes a politician up like a complimentary bag of tea. 'Hey if you don't straighten up next year, crumpets, buddy.'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"According to MSNBC, there's a big problem with identity theft affecting electronic tax filing. People are stealing other people's identities, filing taxes in their name, and then getting their refund check. Today, half the Obama administration said, 'That's what happened to us!'" --Jay Leno
"But the good news is we have a new White House dog, a Portuguese water dog named Bo. So welcome to the White House, Bo. Actually, Bo has only been there a couple of days, but he is already very busy. Earlier today, Bo hosted a luncheon for former White House dogs." --David Letterman
"And, according to the U.S. Labor Department, because of the recession, the number of unemployed lawyers in this country has hit a ten-year high. So, see, there is a silver lining in all of this." --Jay Leno
"This whole pirate situation is getting out of control, right? Just can't stop thinking about it. Two more attacks yesterday. I mean, I don't understand how it works. Apparently, they pull up to the ship, they fire some shots, scare everyone off, then they climb up the side, then I guess they copy and distribute DVD's. Is that what they do?" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno
"Well, hey, it's tax day today. It's tax day. It's Wednesday, April 15th. But if you don't get yours down in time, don't worry about it. The good news is, you may be on your way to an Obama cabinet position. So that's good. Congratulations. Good luck." --Jimmy Fallon
"And today, President Obama gave a speech on the economy, saying there would be more pain now, but hope later, to which pro basketball's Los Angeles Clippers said, 'Hey, that's our slogan.'" --Jay Leno
"A new dog in the White House. I believe there hasn't been a dog in the White House since that pack of semi-domesticated wolves that Cheney kept in his dungeon." --David Letterman
"General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles, because they say the engines could catch on fire. Well, luckily, no one bought any of them." --Jimmy Fallon
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 24, 2009 18:00:46 GMT -5
Good ones Naj ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png)
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Post by coldboneslove398 on Apr 26, 2009 17:31:20 GMT -5
Be Careful For What You Wish For
Once upon a time a man was walking down the street. He saw an ancient oil lamp in an ash can and, thinking of the Aladdin legend, he picked up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out popped a genie. "Master, I shall now grant you one wish." The man spoke, his eyes bulging with desire. "I wanna be rock hard and get plenty of @ss for the rest of my life!" The genie obediently turned him into a toilet.
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The Atheist
A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."
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Fidel Goes To H3ll
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
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Gina
Reformed Bad Gurl
10%
I like women, wine, and spaghetti.
Posts: 55,002
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Post by Gina on Apr 26, 2009 19:36:07 GMT -5
hehehe those were good. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 26, 2009 21:07:48 GMT -5
Good one Cbl
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Post by Naj on Apr 27, 2009 7:54:03 GMT -5
New Stock Market Terms...
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
SHARES- Not something selfish individuals buy.
INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE- The private sector's answer to public education standards so industrialists won't feel bad too.
PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 27, 2009 22:45:55 GMT -5
Good one Naj ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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Post by Naj on Apr 28, 2009 8:33:37 GMT -5
Divine Intervention...
A post office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads:
"Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise.
P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving jerks at the Post Office."
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 28, 2009 9:17:42 GMT -5
Good one Naj
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Post by Naj on Apr 29, 2009 8:01:36 GMT -5
You Are What You Drive... ![](http://www.yelims.com/IPB/Invision-Board-France-189.gif) Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. "So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "None. I had a perfect marriage." "Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife "Only twice, I think," says the second guy. "Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy. "Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford." Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying. "What`s wrong?" "I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!" ![](http://www.yelims.com/IPB/Smiley-IPB-55.gif) ~~~ Worry Wort ...Fresh out of business school, ![](http://www.yelims.com/IPB/Smiley-IPB-327.gif) the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," ![](http://www.yelims.com/IPB/Invision-Board-France-615.gif) the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 29, 2009 8:53:51 GMT -5
Good ones Naj ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png)
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Post by Naj on Apr 30, 2009 8:40:50 GMT -5
this is one i don't get Who Came First? A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, "Surgery is the oldest technology in the world! It's in the Bible. God removed Adam's rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endeavors!" Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says, "Well, before that, God formed the Earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountians and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endeavors." Not to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, "Yes, but where do you think the Chaos came from?"
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