|
Post by Naj on Apr 14, 2009 8:25:03 GMT -5
Ah, cbl, thanks for the contribution to the joke thread! The Best of Late Night...
"Hey, before we get started tonight, I want to remind any potential cabinet members you have until April 15th to not pay your taxes, okay?" --Jay Leno "This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven't seen old white dudes this excited about meeting a black guy since Michael Jordan's fantasy camp." --Seth Meyers "He was the 11th U.S. President Queen Elizabeth has met with, and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse." --Bill Maher "Conservatives aren't happy with Obama because he basically fired the CEO of General Motors, and they said he's interfering with private industry's ability to run our country into the ground." --Bill Maher "At the G-20 summit, the White House accidentally listed a phone sex line for journalists seeking an on-record briefing call for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. To which Bill said, 'Boy, did they get the wrong number.'" --Jay Leno "The economy is horrible, isn't it? Just horrible. Every day there are little reminders that jump right in your face and remind you how bad the economy is. This morning, I wake up, I go downstairs. The Starbucks that was in my living room has closed. I go to Barnes and Noble, every book on sale in Barnes and Noble begins on Chapter 11. My retirement fund has lost so much value, it's now a 401K-Mart." --David Letterman "President Obama took on the teachers union by saying he wants merit pay for teachers and to fire the ones who do not perform well. That is pretty bold. A Democrat taking on the unions is like Rush Limbaugh going after the doughnut manufacturers." --Jay Leno "The Taliban has decided to modernize a little bit. They're going to stop measuring the lengths of mens' beards. I'm proud of those guys. I couldn't be happier. Oh wait, I know how I could be happier: if they stopped trying to murder us." --Jimmy Fallon "And the press is going crazy over First Lady Michelle Obama. They say she is the reason for the sleeveless fashion trend that is sweeping Europe. But President Bush spoke about this today. He said he is appalled by it. He said, 'Sleeveless? How does she wipe her nose?'" --Jay Leno
|
|
|
Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 14, 2009 8:50:51 GMT -5
Good ones Naj
|
|
|
Post by Naj on Apr 15, 2009 6:42:53 GMT -5
Marvelous Management... A magazine ran a "management quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers. Here were the top ten finalists: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." 2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." 4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." 6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." 10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
|
|
|
Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 15, 2009 9:42:54 GMT -5
Good one Naj
|
|
|
Post by coldboneslove398 on Apr 15, 2009 22:52:38 GMT -5
Ah, cbl, thanks for the contribution to the joke thread! Np Actual label instructions on consumer goods: 1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) 2. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) 3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.) 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): Don 't turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) 6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought? ...) 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) 8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???...) 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to... what?) 11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?) 14. On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) 15. On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
|
|
|
Post by Naj on Apr 16, 2009 8:49:17 GMT -5
Love 'em coldbones Children of the Future...This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones. 1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. 2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. 4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin. 5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 6. Liter: A nest of young puppies. 7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. 8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. 9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. 10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. 11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects. 12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. 13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
|
|
|
Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 16, 2009 10:59:57 GMT -5
Good ones Naj and CBL
|
|
|
Post by coldboneslove398 on Apr 16, 2009 17:18:47 GMT -5
.10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. This wasn't that funny, but clever. The Perfect Worker1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
|
|
|
Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 16, 2009 19:28:44 GMT -5
Good one CBL
|
|
Gina
Reformed Bad Gurl
10%
I like women, wine, and spaghetti.
Posts: 55,002
|
Post by Gina on Apr 16, 2009 20:58:25 GMT -5
Hehehehehe.
|
|
|
Post by Naj on Apr 17, 2009 7:09:47 GMT -5
funny clb! I was wondering why it was numbered! Gone Golfing...One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here." Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What`s the matter Ben?" Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can`t get out of here with an 8-iron."
|
|
|
Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 17, 2009 10:53:41 GMT -5
Good one Naj
|
|
|
Post by coldboneslove398 on Apr 18, 2009 16:00:13 GMT -5
These jokes are funny...they're dirty confucious jokes . H3ll yeah! lol Confucious was a bad boy that one . 1. Man who drop watch in toilet have sh!tty time. 2. Man with hand in pocket feel c0cky all day. 3. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. 4. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl. 5. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. 6. Baseball wrong--man with four b@lls cannot walk. 7. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 8. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger. 9. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet p*ssy. 10. Virgin like balloon--one pr!ck, all gone. and lastly....this is a sticker that I got and put on my computer a long time ago: 11. "Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs" ;D
|
|
|
Post by Naj on Apr 20, 2009 8:56:08 GMT -5
those jokes were around when i was your age, coldbones. ~~~ Please Hang Up And Try Again... A man calls home to check in with his wife, to let her know he'll be home early, when suddenly, a strange woman answers. The confused man inquires, ''Who is this?'' ''This is the maid,'' answers the woman. ''We don't have a maid,'' says the man. The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' "I told her we didn't need one, " the man muttered under his breath. ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'' The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone...who I thought was her husband.'' The man, suddenly realizes what's going on and begins to fume. Moments later, he says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'' The maid hesistates, but answers, ''What do I have to do?'' The man explains to her: ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' The maid pauses for a moment to consider the awful deed and puts the phone down. A minute later, the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots! The maid comes back to the phone breathing heavily, and with a slight quiver in her voice asks, ''What do I do with the bodies?'' The man, quite despondent at this point, replies, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.'' A long pause follows. Another long pause. Finally the man asks: ''Is this 567-5309?''
|
|
|
Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 20, 2009 12:41:51 GMT -5
Good one Naj
|
|
|
Post by coldboneslove398 on Apr 20, 2009 17:49:23 GMT -5
those jokes were around when i was your age, coldbones. REALLY? THEY"RE THAT OLD??? Idk...I heard these jokes when my brother was 17....2000....9 years ago ;D -------------------------------------- Lesson: Don't take advice to heart Doctor's ordersA man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
|
|
|
Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 20, 2009 19:22:28 GMT -5
Good one CBL!
|
|
|
Post by Naj on Apr 21, 2009 9:02:05 GMT -5
cbl! Management Lesson...A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Management lesson? Always let your boss have the first say.
|
|
|
Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 21, 2009 11:01:50 GMT -5
Good one Naj
|
|
|
Post by coldboneslove398 on Apr 21, 2009 19:59:41 GMT -5
Good one Naj!!! I like this joke a lot.....*can't resist* DOCTORS RULE THE WORLD!!! ;D The Surgeon's Perfect PatientFour surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their @ss are interchangeable."
|
|