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Post by eduardodelroice on Mar 23, 2009 12:58:29 GMT -5
Lol Naj!
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Post by Naj on Mar 25, 2009 8:41:47 GMT -5
Last Rites... A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?" He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?" He shouted back: "I'm looking for loopholes!"
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Post by eduardodelroice on Mar 25, 2009 9:04:20 GMT -5
Lol Naj... good one
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Post by Naj on Mar 27, 2009 8:19:21 GMT -5
The Best of Late Night... A"George W. Bush, who was our president before Barack Obama, recently signed a deal to write a book for $7 million. And it makes sense because when you think George W. Bush, you think book. Don't you, really?" --David Letterman "President Obama went on prime time TV last night and urged the nation to be patient. He said 'American Idol' will be back tomorrow." --Jay Leno "People were mad that the President preem pted 'American Idol.' I mean, halfway into the news conference, fans called in and tried to vote him off." --Jay Leno "President Obama held his second primetime press conference last night. He said we're seeing definite signs of progress and that a better day will come. And then he stopped and said, 'Sorry, we're talking about the Knicks, right?'" --Jimmy Fallon "How many watched the President's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno "Maybe you noticed this already. If I seem in a bad mood tonight it's because CBS just declared me a toxic asset." --David Letterman ;D
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Post by eduardodelroice on Mar 27, 2009 8:59:16 GMT -5
Lol Naj
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Post by coldboneslove398 on Mar 29, 2009 11:11:55 GMT -5
my take on it was that since the monkey's owners were so trashed they designated the monkey to drive. Whut? ? That's it??? That's the whole joke? It's not very funny...especially when it's literally stated in the end of the joke already....
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Post by Naj on Mar 29, 2009 15:30:10 GMT -5
my take on it was that since the monkey's owners were so trashed they designated the monkey to drive. Whut? ? That's it??? That's the whole joke? It's not very funny...especially when it's literally stated in the end of the joke already.... Then, miss smarty pants, would you care to contribute to this thread some jokes you find funny?
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Post by coldboneslove398 on Mar 29, 2009 17:21:41 GMT -5
Then, miss smarty pants, would you care to contribute to this thread some jokes you find funny? Why do you call me "miss smarty pants", Naj? Can't you clearly read that mine says "miss chatty"? ;D Here's a cop joke for you(some of these are funny): So you’re bored? How about some games you can play with your local law enforcement? Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a nightstick. Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty. Ask him what he is doing out so late. Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to “spice up” your takeout. Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book. Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting. Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride. When he ask you for your license say, “Oh sure officer, could you just hold my beer.” Explain speeding with, “See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal.” When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly. When he ask you to walk the straight line, “Riverdance” instead. When he asks you to say your alphabet backwards count backwards from ten instead. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk. Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead. Try to bribe him with Chuck E. Cheese tokens. Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that “with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents.” Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head. Pay all your ticket fines with pennies. Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself. When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say “I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop.” Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it. Say to him, “Don’t cheek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scout’s honor.” When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin’ Donuts and you know he’ll understand. When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that. Ask him if you can play cops and robbers. Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is. Throw the cop’s nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch. Tell him that the wee little leprechauns made you do it. When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it, then unlocking it when he looks away. Repeat this several times. When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter, “If I don’t see you I can’t get a ticket.” When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood. Say to him “Darn, you must of been goin’ really fast to keep up with me!” Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbin’s law to take effect… When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges. Keep his pen. If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing, “Mary Had a Little Lamb” loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept. Instead of pleading the fifth admendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead. Say “Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands don’t hurt yet.”
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Post by Naj on Mar 30, 2009 9:17:57 GMT -5
Okay, Miss chatty smarty pants! Here's another joke. Now this one scores and "eh" in my book. Stormy Weather... A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain. "Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student. "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student. "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor." replied the student. "Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?" The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."
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Post by eduardodelroice on Mar 30, 2009 12:04:02 GMT -5
LOL Naj
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Post by coldboneslove398 on Mar 30, 2009 17:39:49 GMT -5
I don't get that last one either..... But I just might be confused....I don't really know my boat terminology ...... Lol Naj I'm "Miss Chatty" not "Miss chatty smarty pants". Can't you see my nickname under my screenname on here or does the doctor need to prescribe a stronger degree of lenses for your eyes? ;D hehe lol Another joke.....this one's a bit of a "dirty" joke One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
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Post by Naj on Apr 1, 2009 10:41:21 GMT -5
Sorry, Sorry, Sorry...There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good. He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!'' The magician chased the bird away. The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!'' The magician chased the bird away. The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank. The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot. They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 2, 2009 6:13:57 GMT -5
Good one Naj
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Post by Naj on Apr 6, 2009 8:26:20 GMT -5
I Love You, Man... Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?" "I'm from Ireland." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Dublin are you from?" "The East Side." "The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where on the East Side are you from?" "McDonagh Street." "Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that." As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?" "Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
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Post by coldboneslove398 on Apr 6, 2009 11:05:13 GMT -5
LMAO Naj!!!!! Dane Cook jokes: In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds. so true....the DMV is sooo frakking slowHere's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time. I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden -- boom -- you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half. lol I think he means the Nat Geo channel The dance club. Women go there to dance. They get all ready in the mirror with their friends. They're like, 'I just need to go. I just need to dance. I'm serious, tonight -- no guys. Screw guys. I just need to -- I've had a rough week, and I just need to dance it out. I just want to stand in a circle around our pocketbooks and shoes and just -- I just want to dance. Dance!' You will never, ever hear a guy say to one of his buddies, 'Mike -- Mike, Mike, listen, buddy. Tonight, bro, I gotta dance, dude. Screw chicks tonight, bro -- I gotta dance!'
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Post by Naj on Apr 7, 2009 7:53:33 GMT -5
Are you making fun of me again. You must know I watch the Discovery Channel. And I love watching a mole for an hour and a half. Where You Headed?A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "It's okay, thats not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 7, 2009 9:06:08 GMT -5
Lol Naj: good one
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Post by Naj on Apr 8, 2009 8:49:03 GMT -5
Casual Confessions... To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland. On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me. The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs. He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul... ...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees?!" eta: emoticon
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Post by eduardodelroice on Apr 8, 2009 10:25:03 GMT -5
Lol Naj
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Post by coldboneslove398 on Apr 14, 2009 6:09:31 GMT -5
not really a joke, but a funny quote by a comedian.
"Politics, poly meaning many and tics being bloodsucking creatures" - Robin Williams
;D
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