Post by The Reverend Bizarre on Oct 14, 2009 23:29:58 GMT -5
Many years ago (Three to be exact) I posted up the first 'Ad Absurdum' the CC edition. Ad Absurdum is Latin for 'to the absurd'. This is a collection of Cold Case stories that dabble into the absurd.
These stories are in a nutshell, parody and satire.
RATED: PG-13
I Forgot I
I was just standing there, gun drawn while I listened to the door. Sounded like someone was trying to break in. Sure, maybe they'd get the door open, but I'd shoot them if they came barging in. The door knob turns, and I clutch the gun. The door slowly opens; I raise the gun. It's Lilly, no threat there.
"One more step and I would have shot you," I tell her.
"Nice to see you too, Saccardo," she says back to me with a smile.
I lower my gun, and watch while she walks in. She's not a threat, so I put away the gun. I think that it took her long enough to trace this number. I guess she didn't think I would be back so soon. Lilly's asking me questions, and I'm doing the best to answer them. It's all small talk, nothing too big.
"I forgot panties." I thought with agony in my voice.
Budget Cuts
"Hey, Lil, you hear the news?" Scotty asked.
"No, what is it?"
Before Scotty could answer his partner Lt. Stillman walked up to them. "You two, in my office now," he commanded them.
The two followed Stillman into his office. As soon as all three were inside, Stillman closed the door. He went to his desk, sat down, and then did his routine of taking off his glasses, looking at them, and putting them back on. Scotty and Lilly looked at their supervisor, wondering what was going on.
"So, you want to tell us what's goin' on, Boss?" Scotty asked.
Stillman looked at his two subordinates. "We just received a letter; we're going to need to make more budget cuts." He watched the two detective's faces fall.
"Boss, we've already gone through extensive budget cuts!" Scotty answered.
"Yeah, we've already had to resort to hording paper for our faxes, and using type-writers," Lilly added.
"And there's going to be more," Stillman replied sharply. "From now on, we'll only be accepting cases that are fifty years or older. Also, we'll need to start hitting up E-Bay to replace some of our things."
"Boss, that's ridiculous." Scotty stated matter of factly.
"Well, it gets worse. We'll also have to rely on carrier pigeons to deliver important messages."
Lilly face palmed.
I Forgot II
I can't believe this! I walk to my car, and there's a boot on it! I'm more than certain it's that female, Lilly. The poor little girl's probably all upset, because I got to walk. Awww, the poor little baby is probably PMSing. I chuckle to myself. Taking off this boot shouldn't be too hard. I set to work, taking it off.
Thirty minutes later the damn boot won't come off. I'm swearing up a storm, and people are looking at me.
"Mommy, what is that man doing?" A little boy asks.
"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU LITTLE PISSANT!" I yell. His mother slaps me in the face.
Dumb broad, all women are the same it seems. Another thirty minutes go by, and I've run out of steam. I lift my self from the ground, and kick the boot.
"I forgot panties." I thought with agony in my voice.
These stories are in a nutshell, parody and satire.
RATED: PG-13
I Forgot I
I was just standing there, gun drawn while I listened to the door. Sounded like someone was trying to break in. Sure, maybe they'd get the door open, but I'd shoot them if they came barging in. The door knob turns, and I clutch the gun. The door slowly opens; I raise the gun. It's Lilly, no threat there.
"One more step and I would have shot you," I tell her.
"Nice to see you too, Saccardo," she says back to me with a smile.
I lower my gun, and watch while she walks in. She's not a threat, so I put away the gun. I think that it took her long enough to trace this number. I guess she didn't think I would be back so soon. Lilly's asking me questions, and I'm doing the best to answer them. It's all small talk, nothing too big.
"I forgot panties." I thought with agony in my voice.
Budget Cuts
"Hey, Lil, you hear the news?" Scotty asked.
"No, what is it?"
Before Scotty could answer his partner Lt. Stillman walked up to them. "You two, in my office now," he commanded them.
The two followed Stillman into his office. As soon as all three were inside, Stillman closed the door. He went to his desk, sat down, and then did his routine of taking off his glasses, looking at them, and putting them back on. Scotty and Lilly looked at their supervisor, wondering what was going on.
"So, you want to tell us what's goin' on, Boss?" Scotty asked.
Stillman looked at his two subordinates. "We just received a letter; we're going to need to make more budget cuts." He watched the two detective's faces fall.
"Boss, we've already gone through extensive budget cuts!" Scotty answered.
"Yeah, we've already had to resort to hording paper for our faxes, and using type-writers," Lilly added.
"And there's going to be more," Stillman replied sharply. "From now on, we'll only be accepting cases that are fifty years or older. Also, we'll need to start hitting up E-Bay to replace some of our things."
"Boss, that's ridiculous." Scotty stated matter of factly.
"Well, it gets worse. We'll also have to rely on carrier pigeons to deliver important messages."
Lilly face palmed.
I Forgot II
I can't believe this! I walk to my car, and there's a boot on it! I'm more than certain it's that female, Lilly. The poor little girl's probably all upset, because I got to walk. Awww, the poor little baby is probably PMSing. I chuckle to myself. Taking off this boot shouldn't be too hard. I set to work, taking it off.
Thirty minutes later the damn boot won't come off. I'm swearing up a storm, and people are looking at me.
"Mommy, what is that man doing?" A little boy asks.
"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU LITTLE PISSANT!" I yell. His mother slaps me in the face.
Dumb broad, all women are the same it seems. Another thirty minutes go by, and I've run out of steam. I lift my self from the ground, and kick the boot.
"I forgot panties." I thought with agony in my voice.
Expect more soon. 
Uh huh...
