Out of the Woods

[dizzysparkle]

Title: Out of the Woods
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: None
Major characters: Mainly Lilly, with a bit of Stillman, Scotty, George Marks and Ellen Rush.
Genre: Post-Episode fanfic for 'The Woods', dealing with the general angst and drama of the episode and the feelings and memories it pulls up for Lilly. SPOILERS (Mindhunter, The Woods, Into the Blue)!

This is my first CC fanfic, so please comment! ;D

Chapter 1

She made her way down the rickety stairs on legs that felt like water, her mind swimming with the revelations and emotions of the showdown with George. Every cop she passed gave her the same look – a mix of respect and pity – or avoided her gaze, as she silently made her way out into the cool air of the overgrown back yard. Trying to steady her quavering breaths, she forced herself to inhale deeply and slowly into the night, but this did nothing to stop her ferocious shaking.

Looking up at the attic window amidst the chaotic activity of the crime scene, Lilly imagined George up there as a boy, trapped with a mother who didn’t care for him. She couldn’t think of that without thoughts of her own childhood, but luckily she heard the soft footfalls of the detectives and the gentle rustle of their regulation jackets. Turning softly, she met their gaze, momentarily caught between feeling as a child and as an adult before she shook it off and started walking around the building, anxious to avoid their empathy and concern.

Time passed quickly as Stillman left Will in charge of the scene and the rest prepared to drive back to PPD. Lilly made movements towards her car, but the Lieutenant vetoed her with a stern look.

“Someone else will drive your car back, Lil’, you come with us.”

Getting in the back of the car with Lilly, Scotty tried his best to stop looking at her, stop playing in his mind what could have happened up there. None of them knew any details yet, but it was obvious to Stillman that Lilly needed to get away from the prying eyes of the task force and recover somewhat at headquarters before filling them in. He had heard enough as he was creeping up the stairs to realise what emotional turmoil George had put Lilly through, and how much she had struggled with the necessity of shooting him.

On the drive back, Vera ranted incoherently about the tardiness of the SWAT team, the events at the nature reserve and what a sick wacko George was, whilst Stillman focussed on the road, his reactions hypersensitive after the adrenaline release that evening. Scotty shot quick sideways glances at Lilly, almost afraid she wasn’t really there. He could see the way her hands trembled as she laid them in her lap, and then clasped them under her arms. She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.

*** *** ***
Chapter 2 coming very shortly... I'd love any feedback

[dizzysparkle]

Chapter 2

Back at PPD, Lilly strode across to her desk and put on her coat jacket, shivering. She fiddled with her desk, her notepad and files, desperate to do something and feel busy whilst Scotty made coffee.

“Here you go, Lil’,” he said shortly as he passed her a steaming cup. She clasped it gratefully in her hands, and tried her best to give him her trademark flash of a smile. His expression was a mask of worry, all lines and tense shoulders as he perched awkwardly on his own desk, unable to sit down either. Stillman passed by on the way to his office.

“Come in an’ see me Lil’, once you feel ready.”

She was as surprised as them to hear herself say “Let’s get this done,” as she took her coffee and followed him into the small, cluttered office.

“Have a seat, you look beat.”

Lilly smiled at him but remained standing, leaning on a filing cabinet. She was too wired to sit down, despite the shaking in her legs. If she sat down she wouldn’t be able to maintain her control. Whether Stillman sensed this or not, he didn’t pressurise her and stood up himself, studying her face.

“What happened up there?” He asked gently.

Taking a deep and shaky breath, Lilly tried to answer him. She told him about the painted woods, how he crept out of the shadows when her back was turned with a gun pointed at her. The same gun that he shot his mother with. She didn’t tell him about the icy cold fear that gripped her heart, the panicked way her heartbeat jumped into her throat. She described how he took her gun and phone, his confession of boredom, the ‘tedious game’ of hunting, and his obsession with her. She didn’t tell him of her shame at being cornered by him.

Her lieutenant eyed her carefully, taking in her hunched stance, the not-so-steaming coffee, her frightfully pale face; his heart went out to her and lamented his failure to protect her. Just like Janey. Shaking himself out of his self-indulgent thoughts, he gently prodded her to continue.

“We thought as much. Did he tell you much about his last victim?”

She shook her head. “No. He made me sit down, and then you and Scotty called.” A silent look passed between them, signalling the understanding of the shame Stillman still carried regarding his daughter.

Now the hardest part. Lilly tried to steel herself, to reinforce her mask. It didn’t feel very secure. “Then he brought up my 49, “ she breathed softly. “Demanded that I tell him what happened. I tried to stall, frighten him with thoughts of his death, but it didn’t work.”

Stillman hid his anger and shock at George as well as he could, and slowly placed his hand on her shoulder. He knew all about her attack, he didn’t want her to have to relive it for a second time tonight.

“I’m sorry, Lil’.”

She wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault, she wanted to show she was okay, but she just couldn’t. A rising wave of nausea was fighting its way up from her stomach and her head felt light. She had to get out of the office.

“I need a minute,” she gasped as she turned and rushed towards the bathroom, where she promptly threw up. Struggling for air and feeling dizzy, she leant her head against the side of the stall and fought hard against the urge to cry. Of all people, she should feel safe with Stillman. He knows all about my 49, she thought. There’s nothing to hide from him.

Back in the office (having carefully avoided the other detectives' concerned expressions), she sat down this time, glad to feel the firm support of the chair. She quickly and impersonally described her deductions, the way she had figured out what really happened up in that attic in 1972. Stillman’s expression furrowed briefly as she told him of George’s betrayal by his mother, his attempts to fight off Jacob.

“That’s why he was so obsessed with you.” He said softly, knowing there was no real reason to say out loud the connections they both knew. She nodded quickly, squashing that wave of sadness. I am nothing like you!

“Then he said ‘It’s time you learned.’, and threw my gun to the floor. As soon as his back was turned I grabbed it and told him to get on the ground. I had no idea what he was planning...”, she looked down, the force of her actions hitting her hard. I killed a man tonight.

“You did the right thing Lil’. There was nothing else you could’ve done. George gave you no choice but to shoot, I heard that from the stairs.” He knew it would be scant reassurance to Lilly, but it had to be said.
She nodded, but said nothing. She was exhausted, her limbs felt like lead. This didn’t go unnoticed.

“We can sort out the official statement when you’re rested up. You need to go home now and sleep.” Her head shot up and seemed about to protest until she saw his expression.

“Okay, boss,” she whispered. “I’ll be in first thing tomorrow.”

He didn’t bother to argue, but got up and leant on the edge of his desk in front of her.

“You did the right thing Lil’. Handled the situation well, got into his head. Got no one in this department like you, with your insight. You’re a credit to the force.”

She accepted his praise as best she could, and teetered to her feet. “See you tomorrow, boss.”

“I’ll get Scotty to drive you home.” As a testament to her fatigue, she simply nodded.

*** *** ***

Any thoughts gratefully received!

[longislanditalian2]

You really captured the emotion, stemming from 2x23, " The Woods"

[dizzysparkle]

Chapter 3

Being in the dark about the particulars of the evening, her partner did a bad job appearing relaxed. His worst fears had been realised when George answered the phone, but apart from the overwhelming relief that Lilly was safe, the terrible possibilities of what had happened to her ran over and over in his mind.

You hurt her George, and I’ll murder you.

Looking at her now, small and fragile in the passenger seat, he felt that wave of rage again. At least George didn’t hurt her physically, he thought. For it was plain that he had hurt her emotionally. Scotty felt angry with himself for not knowing how to help, but at the same time, as they drove to her apartment in silence, he knew that she needed quiet comfort. Now wasn’t the time for questions. Maybe if I hadn’t messed things up between us wit’ Chris...

Soon they arrived, and Lilly mechanically undid her seatbelt and went to open the door.

“Lil’?” Scotty said gently. “Glad you’re okay. Let me know if you need anything?”

She nodded numbly. “Thanks, Scotty.”

“Do you want me to come in with you for a bit, keep you company or somethin’?”

“I just want to have a bath and go to bed, Scotty. I’ll be fine.”

He nodded, but his expression betrayed his real feeling. Still, he knew there was no arguing with her and said nothing more as she exited the car and made her way to the front door, ignoring the post and fumbling with her keys, forcing her trembling hands under control. Turning briefly to lock eyes with Scotty, she entered the dark apartment and closed the door behind her.

[dizzysparkle]

Chapter 4

Once inside, Lilly waited before turning on the lights. She heard the thud of small paws as the cats jumped off the daybed and came to greet her with little mews. She stood still in the darkness, feeling their tails caressing her legs, grateful for the familiar feel of their affection. Then she took a deep breath and turned on the light, moving automatically into the kitchen to prepare the cats’ dinner.

You killed someone tonight.

<He was a dangerous serial killer.>

Still, you shot him three times in the chest, watched him fall backwards and die.

<He wanted me to shoot him! He gave me no choice...>

She bit her lip hard as the thoughts mercilessly battled it out in her head, eyes shining with barely held back tears. Was Stillman right, or just reassuring her? No, she knew him better than that. He wouldn’t say something he didn’t mean.

She took out a can of food and slowly opened it, pulling out the cat bowls as she did so. The act of something so routine calmed her, even as her mind raced.

Did he plan his death all along? Want me to figure out his secret? Or was it a spur of the moment madness, a desire to end his pain?

Lilly knew about pain. It was such an effort to hold it back sometimes she felt as if her entire being was just concerned with not breaking down. She had to use everything she had in that attic not to give George the satisfaction of seeing her cry. Her head swam as her thoughts involuntarily went back to her confession. She had buried it so long, it felt different to speak it out loud, as an adult. But not different enough.

Pretty little face not so pretty when he got through with you!

Her mind flashed involuntarily back to the alley, cowering between the dumpsters, trying to shelter her head from further blows, crying and screaming, out of control. She felt her stomach clench up painfully as it always did with these memories, and she tried to soothe herself by spooning out the cat food and giving a bowl to each cat. Their contented purrs as they ate did give her some comfort, but not enough to stop her incessant inner monologue.

It was easier when I just had to hide my feelings from the team....she thought sadly as she made her way slowly upstairs, feeling like she was underwater. A bath will sort me out. A bath and bed, like I told Scotty .But she knew from experience that there wasn’t much that would stop these thoughts once they started.

Flashes of his head, shining in the poor light of the street lamp, darting up and down, up and down as he hit her, laughing hysterically. She paused on the stairs under the force of the memory, as she felt herself back in her ten-year-old body, felt the sagging of her jaw and the ringing in her head, the pure panic and desperation – I don’t want to die! ¬– which made her lunge forward and bite his thigh as hard as she could and run. Run, run, run until she collapsed, screaming in fear that he had followed her, that he would catch her again. But there was no one there, the streets were deserted, and she had only the sounds of her sobs and ragged breathing as company as she dragged herself back to the apartment she called home.

Hunched up on the stair, Lilly willed herself not to remember the next part, for once not to go there and hurt herself all over again. But, as usual, she couldn’t help it.

Her mother opening the door, angry at the frantic hammering, at the time it took Lilly to get the precious drink. Her look of anger, her words: “What have you done?!”

I didn’t do anything! Lilly screamed at the memory, as she watched her mom take her to the ER, watched in her mind’s eye with the practise of adulthood as she hid her drunkenness from the doctors, the police.

A well of hatred bubbled up and Lilly felt her face getting hot as the anger hit her. Why didn’t she protect me? Why did she have to send me to the store?

You’ve never told anyone what happened to little Lilly long ago – but you want to tell!

George was right. She did want to tell someone. Things like that don’t leave you, they need to be forcibly expelled, over and over again. But he was wrong as well. True, both her and George suffered a terrible betrayal as children, by the mothers they needed to protect them as well as the strangers who attacked them.

I use my pain to help people. Ever since that first line up, I wanted to make the situation right, to be just like Stillman.

She rose unsteadily on her feet and climbed the last few stairs to the bathroom, walking over to the bath and turning on the taps. Lilly looked at herself in the mirror, at her dull eyes and pallid skin. She looked as awful as she felt.

Whatever mistake my mother made, Stillman helped to fix it, by holding the man who did it to account.

Her breathing became more even, her hands steadier.

Now I do the same thing. I give the victims of other peoples’ mistakes and cruelties the chance to regain some order and control in their lives. To not be forgotten. What does George do? Destroys, resents, hates. I am *nothing* like him.

[longislanditalian2]

I don't think Scotty would be that caring, but I do like the recent chapter. How Lilly was thinking that she wasn't like him

[dizzysparkle]

Hi! Thanks for the feedback Appreciate it.

Do you not think Scotty would be caring? I figured he'd feel guilty because he'd ruined their friendship that season, and couldn't be close enough to her to help her after George. What do you think he's be like with her?

Going to try and address some Lily-Ellen issues next...

Dizzy x

[longislanditalian2]

Aug 29, 2009 17:05:27 GMT -5 dizzysparkle said:

Do you not think Scotty would be caring? I figured he'd feel guilty because he'd ruined their friendship that season, and couldn't be close enough to her to help her after George.

I don't think he would, especially after all of that. Lilly would just push him away. Be sure to check out my fanfics.

[lillyscotty]

I like this 1, the way Scotty cares. It's nice to see a fanfic where Lilly opens up a lil bit more. Keep up the great work.