The Blue Darkness

[longislanditalian2]

Post: 6x23- Into The Blue

Rating- G ( all Audiences)


Summary- Set after " Into the Blue", how Lilly's depression worsens. Can her father help her, and does she forgive him for leaving? This is a Lillycentric story, no romance follows for her.

Music by Pearl Jam ( mentions of some of the music that had been used in the episode).



During the course of the night, Lilly’s nightmares of being in the river were frequently happening. She felt the urge to swim and try and get out, but had found that she couldn’t. Even while flashes, of everything that had ever happened to her were appearing, she was clearly floating in a river of her past. Clearly it was telling her to let go, but for some reason Lilly couldn’t.

I, I'm still alive
Hey, I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey, I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey, I, oh, I'm still alive
Yeah – Pearl Jam-Alive

At the split second that the clock struck exactly 4am, Lilly’s eyes opened. She was greeted with the usual sight and smell of a hospital room, a faint remonstrant of her hospital stay just two years prior. Glancing over, she saw the sight of herself through the years.

Downright it was scary, as Lilly tried to avoid looking at herself; knowing what it was telling her.

Turning away, the flash of light was gone; leaving the room with the darkness except for the beeping of her heart monitor. Drawing in a breath, Lilly sighed while trying to get some sleep.

I admit it, what's to say? Yeah
I'll relive it without pain, mmm ~- Pearl Jam- Once


By morning, it can with the usual checking of her vital signs. Lilly felt two fingers pressing along the side of her wrist, as she continued to breathe in softly.

When the sound of Velcro was heard signaling that the cuff was now secure around Lilly’s arm, she remained still as her pressure was being recorded. It was there that she now opened up her eyes.

The nurse immediately noticed this, “How are you feeling today, Lilly”, she asked while her breath reeked of coffee? Lilly breathed in, “Groggy, where my dad”, she asked softly?

“He’ll be here soon”, the nurse responded not knowing whom her father looked like. Despite this, she then poured a cup of water for her, “Thirsty”?

Lilly sighed softly, “No, my heart was pounding before. It’s not now”, she said. The nurse nodded softly, “Are you up to eating anything, your pressure’s back up”? With a nod of no, the nurse then left, as Lilly remained there all alone. She felt lost for the first time, knowing that despite everything she had done in her life; she was still very much; all alone.

Her whole life pretty much was work, but as much as Lilly craved to be in love; she couldn’t break the cycle of her own past. Just as she drew in a deep breath, the door opened as her father came into the room. As he then took her hand, Lilly began to feel that safety and comfort again.


“How are you feeling Lilly”, he asked softly? Lilly’s eyes looked up at him, “Better, head’s still killing me”.

Paul gave a small smile, knowing that he felt lucky that his daughter was still alive, “I had the other lady detective pack you a bag, didn’t think you wanted me to go through your things”, which was a relief to Lilly. He then pulled out a single rose, “For you”.

That instantly got her to smile, the fragrant smell reminded Lilly that she was alive, “It’s beautiful”, she said, knowing that this red rose symbolized something good for her. Perhaps it was good to have someone to be there for her; family wise. On the other hand, it still felt funny for her to be a daughter again.

As a moment of silence then passed over them, Lilly sat up slowly in bed. She then sipped some cool water while her stomach growled softly. She was hungry, but couldn’t fathom eating anything. It had been awhile since food had been in there. Most certainly she could smell coffee on his breath, “I could use a cup right now”.


Paul chuckled softly, “Not right now”, brushing some of her hair away from her face, “You are my family Lilly, almost and will be”, which had affected her somehow. Still she was still in a need to trust someone, “I’m going to help you, you need it now Lilly”.

When the end of 72 hours had ended, Lilly was able to dress herself up in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. As she was being wheeled out, the warm sunshine greeted her. It was a sign of life; but the light was still bothering her. On the drive to her apartment, neither one of them had said a work.

Paul knew that she was an adult and he was going to try and not be underfoot. He respected Lilly, but they both still need to work their own issues out.


As the door opened, Lilly was glad to be home; although she hadn’t been in awhile. Her home, well it didn’t really feel like one to her. Wasn’t filled with the warmth that in her own mind had interpreted as. If fact, it was cold and dark, like her own life.

Upon heading upstairs, Lilly finally saw the emptiness that her bedroom was full of. Like everything else it was also dark; but more importantly; there was no one there to share it with.
That clearly was her own fault in doing, as she gradually sat down on the soft mattress staring straight ahead; loneliness had clearly struck Lilly hard on

Every relationship had failed, resulting in always sleeping alone in her dark bedroom. Work seemed to fill up her life, so much so that she had clearly forgotten what pleasure and love was really like. Lilly blinked for a moment, before flashes over every single love that she once had; was flashing through. When it had ended, she felt a hand gently rubbing the middle of her back.

Her tears were fighting to come out, as Lilly fought to keep them bottled in. Paul could see that his daughter was suffering badly, “Let it out Lilly, you need to”, he said softly, “I’ve seen you cry before”.

She wanted it to stop, as one tear went trickling down. Lilly then tried to hold her together, “Stop, I can’t take it”, as she then got up and went into the bathroom. Instead, her hand turned on the facet, but her eyes watching the water.


The water reminded her of the dream, about herself in the bathroom at work. Flashes of that continued to invaded, before Lilly watched the tears streaming down her cheek. Crying she considered to be weak, but was it really?

[longislanditalian2]

Upon coming out, she tried to hold it back but found herself to be wrapped in her father’s arms. Paul could feel her fighting, knowing that Lilly probably didn’t get hugged too often.

“It’s alright.", he whispered softly while still holding onto her. With her tears glistening onto his shirt, Lilly continued to sob quietly; as every flash from the death was shooting through her head like stars.

However while feeling him rubbing her backs gently, a feeling of comfort and safety was returning slowly. As much as she needed his love, she was afraid that her father would once again leave.

While Paul continued to hold his daughter, he also felt the pain of what he had done long ago. Still he felt glad to be with Lilly again after all these years. As she slowly lifted her head, up, his eyes caught the tears that were still streaming down her cheek. His hand gently wiped away the tears, “It’s not weak of you to cry Lilly, its normal."


Very slowly she then sat down on the bed, “A part of me is a screw up”, which made Paul also sit down next to her, “What makes you say that, I don’t think you are?”
Releasing a small breath, Lilly shook her head, “Look at me I’m 39 single and have a life that only consists of work, pathetic right?”

Paul knew that she clearly was having some sort of a breakdown, after her car being plowed into the river. She wasn’t herself or what he thought was, “You can’t try to fix anything that had happened long ago, you aren’t that child anymore. I don’t see you are that little girl that I had left behind long ago.”

Shivering slightly, Lilly nodded in understanding. However she knew that she had to let go of her own past, but found it hard to let go of. For many years, she had lived in this bubble of negative energy but in the car her dreams had shown to her; just how miserable and alone she now was.

“Crap”, she muttered. Wondering how she was going to get out this. Right now her head throbbed, as Lilly got up and went on over to the other side of the bed. Just moments after lying down, Paul went downstairs to make her a cup of tea. While he waited for the water to boil, he glanced around his daughter’s empty dark living room.

In his mind, he always had dreamt that Lilly would someone have a family of her own. Still, Paul hoped that Lilly eventually would. He wanted so much for his daughter, but knew she had clearly suffered a lot of emotional abused that had stemmed from his ex-wife. After pouring the water into the cup, he then carried it back upstairs.

It had seemed to him, which every part of her house was dark; but he wanted to help bring some light into both the apartment and Lilly. Sitting down on the bed, his hand then reached out; gently stroking her cheek, “I made you some tea, could help.”

Very slowly, Lilly then took the cup into her hand before taking a sip. Indeed she knew just from the smell, that her father had found the herbal tea that she had stashed away. Before long, an empty tea cup rested on the nightstand, while Lilly slept soundly in her bed.

Though it the tea had help to soothe her, she also still needed to get rid of a major headache that was still pounding instead of her head.

Downstairs, Paul opened the door to find Scotty standing there, “I’m Scotty Valens, Lil’s partner”, as the two shook hands, “How is she?”He asked concerned

“I don’t know, Lilly might be having a breakdown. She’s traumatized by everything; I think it will be awhile before she comes back to work.”

Scotty nodded softly, “Can I see her?” wanting to see the woman whom was always like a sister to him. Even now he just needed to make sure that she was alright. Judging by the look on a Paul’s face, he knew that it was best to leave Lilly alone. Besides right now she needed her father; which to Scotty made him feel even better that his friend and sister wasn’t alone.

A few hours later, Lilly had awakened but her head was still ringing of the nightmares that had now plagued her. The question that still haunted was; why in the car did she dream about solving the case; and why was her past brought into clearer detail?


Perhaps these were all signs that she had to change, and let things go. Besides the fact that her mother was now dead two years; Lilly knew that she could no longer blame her. Although her inner child wanted to be loved, she herself wasn’t that child. Yes being abused had taken a toll throughout her life, but Lilly found it hard to push herself from her dreaded past.

Right out in front of her, Lilly saw yet another vision of her being in that car, right as it was ascending into the water. How she screamed loudly, scared of dying alone and underwater. At that point, she felt nauseas while hyperventilating. Her head also was spinning round and round, until someone had touched her shoulder.

Lilly gasped only to see that it was her father; but only heard his voice echoing. When the echoing had faded, she felt his hand squeezing hers. Gasping slightly, as Lilly’s head fell back onto the pillow. Very gently Paul then blotted her forehead before letting the cold cloth rest upon one of her cheeks.
“What happened”, he asked, “You can tell me, and you don’t need to keep it inside of you?”

Though she was still breathing heavily, along with her heart racing a mile a minute; Lilly somehow couldn’t get her own thoughts together. They seemed to be jumbled up, like a very complicated jigsaw puzzle.

When her breathing returned to normal, she continued to lie in bed with a cold cloth on her forehead. In Lilly’s mind, she wondered if she could possibly let go of her own past.




tbc

[longislanditalian2]

This was supposed to be chapter two, please review


As Lilly awoke to find her father sitting by her bedside holding her hand, she knew for the first time that she wasn’t alone. In fact, after surviving all of this; he being there felt more like a comfort than anything else. Between both her head pounding and her vision slightly blurred, Lilly knew that despite everything he still loved her.

“I told you that I will always be there for you”, Paul said softly, while looking into his daughter’s blue eyes. Somehow Lilly didn’t respond, but that was understandable after being rescued from the bottom of the river. Glancing over he watched the bars going up and down displaying her heart rhythm, knowing that his little girl was still very much alive and with him.

To him, Paul knew that Lilly would always be his little girl. He could remember the day that she was born; how beautiful and tiny that she was. Even now Lilly still looked delicate but he knew in his heart that she turned into a terrific woman. As she continued to look at him, Paul silently promised her that he would remain at her side, she needed him now.

“You need to rest Lilly; I’m going to be right here. I’m not leaving you”, he whispered, “I love you a lot and I’m sorry”.

Just then a doctor came in to check her pupils, before taking a listen to her heart. However Lilly eyes remained fixed on her father, but however she wasn’t really looking at him. Her vision was still blurred; even the voice of the doctor seemed to be that way as well.

When the distorted voice faded out, Lilly felt another wave coming on. The doctor then looked over at Paul, “She has a class 4 concussion, but it’s not bad. So Far her brain scans are normal and Lilly’s responding very well. We’ll release her in 72 hours; she needs someone to stay with her. Does she have any other family?”?

Paul shook his head, “Only Me, her mother’s deceased”, and he said before the doctor gave her an instruction, “Can you breathe for me Lilly”?

Very slowly Lilly drew in a breath, but her head started to spin once again. The doctor heard her heart speeding up a bit, taking out the ear pieces, “You need to rest Lilly”.

Just moments after he had left, Paul reached out and stroked the side of her cheek, “You will always be my daughter Lilly; not matter who your mother was. You weren’t a mistake”, as Lilly felt his warm lips kissing the side her cheek.

With that her eyes closed, as she drifted to sleep. As the clock ticked on, Paul watched her chest rising and falling, knowing that his little girl didn’t have a good life growing up. For that it was his fault, now it was up to him to see that Lilly’s recovery went along smoothly. He wanted to take her home to New Jersey to be with her family.

It was the only way that he felt, that she would recover. However Lilly basically had no idea what it was like to be a family, especially given her past circumstances. She was in need of an environment that could aide in her recovery. For the time being, her hand was still clasped in his, but by the time Lilly opened her eyes, she could feel the warmth of his hand.

“I’m going to take care of you now Lilly, I’m still your father”, he said softly. Lilly nodded, “My head’s still throbbing”, she whispered.

Paul nodded in understanding, “You have a concussion from the accident, it’s going to be awhile before you can return to work”, moving a tendril of hair away from her forehead. Her eyes looked up at him, as if silently saying that she needed him.

A little while later, Paul gently guided a glass of cold water up to her lips. Though she took a few sips, it was alright, “I’m sorry Dad”, and Lilly said finding her voice.

“For what”, which then led her to now understand that she didn’t do anything? Although she had a moment of confusion, Paul understood, before a doctor poked his head in to speak with him. Outside in the hall, the two men spoke quietly, “She needs to rest, no extreme activities for awhile. You should watch out for a loss of balance, coordination and another symptoms; Blurred or double vision, persistent nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite”.

Paul nodded, but knew it was going to be hard to care for his daughter. Although their relationship was now currently strained, he knew now that there was no way for Lilly to care for herself in her condition. Upon coming back into the room her blue eyes looked right at him, as he took her hand, “You can’t be back at work for awhile, you need to rest”.

“Great”, she responded, while flashes of what had happened to her appeared briefly in front of her. Even the sound of his voice was distorted before her hearing came back to normal, but this was something that Paul noticed immediately, “Lilly, you hear me”?

Placing her hand in front of her face, Lilly nodded, “What’s going on, am I still inside”, she asked confused. Shaking his head no, she now realized that this was reality, and that she was really lying in a hospital bed, “I got out”?

“Yes Lilly, you called your partner seconds before your car went in. He was able to trace it, and that’s how you were rescued”, looking into her eyes, “It’s alright”, moving a tendril of hair away from her face, “They were able to solve the case”.

Her eyes widened instantly, knowing that she didn’t solve this case. Somehow, she remembered that she did see the ghost of Kate Butler; while being wheeled towards the waiting ambulance. Flashing forward into the present day, Lilly’s eyes then closed for awhile.

Little did they know that it would prove to be a good thing for them to be once again close, until then Paul only hoped for the best? He really wanted to have a good relationship with his daughter; but knew that she also had to overcome her own past.

[Kassandra]

You are really good

I wish I could write stuff like this but I am more of a Poem writter. Keep up the good work

[longislanditalian2]

Thanks, that the first someone's told me that. I'm always striving to improve, writing is very difficult for me.



Just a short chapter, cause there's a flashback involving Ellen Rush and Paul Cooper. Please Review or suggest!



Somehow Lilly snapped, and no longer wanted anyone to comfort her. In her mind, everything was fine when in reality wasn’t. More importantly, she went back to work, which wasn’t supposed to happen that quickly. Her father knew it, but yet knew that Lilly was her own woman. One thing that Paul did know was that she wasn’t ready to return to work.

Just as Lilly was leaving, he then stopped her, “Lilly you’re not ready.”
“I’m fine”, came a reply that Paul couldn’t yet argue with. On the flipside, he knew that she wasn’t fully ready to head back. Not after she had been pushed forty feet into the river, however Lilly was an adult which was something that he respected.

Just then Lilly felt a wave of dizziness over taking her, before leaning against the kitchen counter, as her body fell onto the ground.

[Kassandra]

Your Welcome.

Why is writting difficult for you? if you dont mind me asking.

I can't wait to read the next chapter

[longislanditalian2]

Kassandra- Grammer and stuff. I'm Improving, I'm glad you are liking this story


The next chapter will have a bit of Paul Cooper and Ellen Rush, but in this one it's just Lil and her dad.


Paul immediately rushed over, checking to see if his daughter was still breathing. Luckily, she was which a good thing was indeed. Her chest then heaved before Lilly opened her eyes; just about everything was spinning around. It had felt like she was on a never ending rollercoaster, as several flashes from inside of the car were now seen.

This terrified Lilly to no end, in fact she had wished that she hadn’t gone out that night. It was too late to even wish that, except now she was looking directly at herself, which was still sitting inside of the car. As Lilly looked in closer, her eyes snapped open, while her other self’s lips appeared to be moving.

Her heart raced in deep fear, while watching air bubbles coming out. Then out of the blue, blood began seeping out; before a hand touched Lilly’s shoulder. Gasping slightly, she opened her eyes seeing that it was only her father.

“Lilly, are you alright?” he asked worriedly. Lilly drew in a breath, from Paul’s perception he had remembered the day that she had been born. He could see her tiny chest heaving up, before emitting a loud cry; the first cries of life.

Even now Paul knew that she needed him at this very moment. He couldn’t just simply drive back to New Jersey, leaving his little girl behind.

Clearly Lilly would always be his little girl, even though she was almost forty years old. Resting his fingers alongside her neck, he felt her pulse quickening, “You want me to call for an ambulance?” That was something that wasn’t about to happen, “No I just need to get up.”

As a parent, Paul hesitated, “Just lie here”, having a feeling that her pressure was a bit low. She hadn’t been eating in a few days, which could have added to her being so dizzy. As he then helped her up, Lilly immediately headed for the couch.

Once she was laying there, her hand reached out to him. Throughout her own problems, Lilly still had wanted her father’s comfort.

A part of her needed it, especially now. Once her hand was in his, Paul could remember seeing her baby finger’s wrapping around his. That though made him, realize about what he meant as a father.

“You need to take it easy, the doctor told you that.”, but that wasn’t what was going through her mind right now. Lilly felt empty as an eggshell inside, knowing her own self as a failure. She was weak as a cop, and should have been the warning signs. Of course, she was blind to everything.

Within a breath, Lilly could see flashes of her mother lying on the couch; instead of it being Ellen Rush it was her instead. She looked exactly like her, and alone. This wasn’t what Lilly wanted, she wanted a family.

Her own tears of sadness, Paul saw which were now streaming down her cheek, “You didn’t deserve what had happened to you, and nobody does. The fact that you’re still alive means everything to me.”
Lilly sniffled, “He needs to pay dad.” needing her own sense of justice, “I need to be back at work.”

Work was always her safe place, but now being at home didn’t quite give her that feeling. Her father was right; she wasn’t physically ready to go back.

“I just want to be alone.” which was a typical thing for her to say and do. With some help, he helped her back upstairs. Once there, Lilly’s mood went towards the dark side; as a stream of negative thoughts plowed throughout her mind.

She was angry about everything and everybody in her life. Perhaps being alone was something that only Lilly herself, had worked at for a long time. She did want to be happy, but exactly how was she going to experience that?


tbc..

[Kassandra]

This story is coming together really well. If you would like I wouldn't mind helping you with the grammer. Just let me know

[longislanditalian2]

Kassandra- Thanks, I'll keep that in mind



With tears heavily embedded in both eyes, Lilly felt like releasing them. Somehow there were prevented, as if something was standing in its way. She couldn’t cry, now not like this. Next came the second question, why? Was it because she was so alone all the time, and barely devoted any time to have a social life?

Lilly knew that she herself had created this, but it wasn’t work that had prevented her from having a social life. No, that was her old self before her shooting. Sure her job meant the world, but it didn’t stop her from dating or anything. Although now dating just had seemed to be not a good thing, Lilly couldn’t put herself through that again.

Perhaps she didn’t needed to be in a relationship in order to be happy, no that was her mother’s philosophy. Happiness could come just from anything, even just jogging through Fairmount Park. Lilly did indeed feel better while she was running, it did help to clear up the negatively in her life.

Downstairs, Paul thought back to two years ago; about a visit with his ex; Ellen Rush.

Two Years Ago

On a bench at a park, Paul saw his ex-wife just sitting there. She appeared to be staring, but he was careful to approach her. Whom was he kidding; he had been split from her since 1976; before finally divorcing the following year.

“Ellen”, he called out softly. Ellen turned to see him, but he knew that something was quite different about her, “You wanted to see me?”

She nodded, before the two got back into the car. Once finding a place where they could take, Ellen sighed deeply. Paul was the first to ask about his kids, “How are they, our daughter?”

“Lilly she’s always been a fighter, from time that she was a baby.”
That made him yearn to see his eldest daughter, “How is she, Lilly?” wishing that he could just see her face. Ellen felt bad for her own mistakes, but clearly was jealous over what her daughter had accomplished for herself, “Stubborn, she’s still stubborn like you.”

Chuckling softly, but Ellen didn’t dare tell him about having Cirrhosis. She didn’t want any sympathy; especially from her ex-husband, “She was our winter snow baby.”

Paul also had remembered that, “I delivered her, remembered seeing her first crying out in my arms. She was so beautiful, you cried also Ellen. After everything, the night that you two finally came home; we lay together watching her.”
“I know, seems like such a long time ago. I was pregnant when we married. Lilly was kicking non-stop at our wedding.”

The two continued sitting inside of the car, as Paul glanced over, “You’re still beautiful Ellen, always been that way.”

Ellen sighed deeply, but knew that she didn’t want to live anymore. Although she wasn’t going to tell anyone, her heart still had ached to be loved, “ My last husband left me, I haven’t been the same.”; a lie but it beat telling him the real truth. Early that day, both she and Lilly had argued, but Ellen couldn’t realize that she had hurt her daughter emotionally; all through her life.


“Used to read her that book, when she had nightmares. Lilly had terrible ones, was the only way to calm her down.” Paul nodded, “I would rock her in my arms, and she always felt comforted. I miss her terribly, and Christina.”

Ellen didn’t want to hear this, in fact she couldn’t face up to that he had left; due to her drinking. As the night progressed, Paul watched as his former wife looked at him, “It’s late, I’ll drive you home.”

“No I’m fine”, as she got out and disappeared into the night.



Next Chapter will deal with Lilly's own emotions towards the accident and herself..

[Kassandra]

Thats great!!

In my perspective it sounded like she was sober I can't wait to read the next part.

Just message me if you would like help

[longislanditalian2]

In the present, Paul now knew why she had been acting the way that she did. Although it was the last time that he would ever see Ellen alive, it felt good to somehow reconnect. He was glad that he had stopped drinking, especially in light of what had happened to her. That was the past, and now his main concern was for Lilly.

Giving her some time, might help. He was hesitant about even leaving the house, knowing that she might need him. Lilly was an adult, but at the same token she still was recovering him a major thing. Being pushed forty feet into the river, while inside of a car was a frightening thing. His heart nearly had stopped upon given the news, but now had debated to go upstairs.

Somehow he didn’t, he was going to let Lilly had her own time to herself. He could find things to do, but after alerting her; she seemed fine with him going out to play a game of chess. Once gone, Lilly released a deep sigh.

Going into the bathroom, she studied her own reflection. Even at the age of 39, she still didn’t quite resemble her real age. In a way that was a good thing, but her eyes looked tired and worn. Glancing up again, she saw her own horrified looked right as the mirrors were cracking while water had poured into the interrogation room.

Lilly blinked again to see just herself looking back at her. Just then her head had started pounding, before she rushed over to throw up. She hated feeling this miserable and weak, but then collapsed onto the floor.
She felt its coldness, while feeling her own heart beating harder inside. However the headaches continued on to the next week. By this time, Lilly was in bed trying to ward it off. Between this and her father, insisting that she should see a doctor; everything had seem worse that it really was.

“I’m not going, alright”, she said. Paul knew all about her stubbornness, “Don’t you want your headaches to stop, this isn’t normal Lilly. You do want to head back to work.”

Lilly shivered slightly, still avoiding anything that had to do with any doctors. She had managed to convince herself that she was alright and didn’t need anyone to help her. Her heart was merely pounding, while her stomach protested its emptiness.

She herself didn’t feel well, but that was her own fault. Just after closing the door behind, Lilly found herself yet alone in her own bedroom. With a sigh, she proceeded to take a shower before dressing. Despite all the work clothes that were sitting in her closet, Lilly came out wearing a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.

With yet another wave of dizziness, she immediately lay down on her bed. Closing her eyes, the projections from what had occurred began playing over and over again. Wishing wasn’t going to help, but Lilly suddenly got up and went into the bathroom before being sick.

In spite of everything, she found it nice that her dad had made her a sandwich. Taking in a bite, Lilly knew that the dizziness would stop; after eating. Just then she saw him opening up the drapes, “What are you doing?”

“Opening them, it’s too dark in here.” Darkness was good especially now, she wanted it to remain that way, “Just leave it”, she snapped.
He knew that Lilly was getting worse not better, “What are you made about, what your mother had done?”

“No dad, she’s dead; she been dead for two years. This has nothing to do with my mother?” knowing that it was something else. Lilly had come to terms with her mother’s death, and her about her own childhood. Her anger was directed more in the present day, not in the past.

Glancing upward, Stillman now stood in the doorway, “Is this a bad time?” before Paul left the two alone. Lilly wasn’t at all thrilled to be seeing her boss, but in at the same token wanted to know what cases her squad was reopening.

John instantly could see just how traumatized she was from this whole thing, “We all miss you Lil”, handing her a rather large basket. Lilly smiled upon seeing that, “Vera still driving everyone nuts?”

“Yeah, but that’s the least half of my worries.”, as she sighed. Not once did John dare tell her about what had happened this morning in court. He knew that one worse thing wouldn’t be a good thing especially right now. On the other hand, Lilly was especially good at knowing when he was hiding something.

Right now, he handed her a card. Upon opening it she saw dozens of signatures, knowing that people were indeed thinking about her. Like it had mattered to her, as she then put down the card. John then took her hand, “You can’t give up Lil, and you never have. I saw that a long time ago.”

Lilly nodded softly, “I know, I don’t know how.” Her own words now trailing off, as John now got up seeing how depressed she had gotten. To him this wasn’t a good thing, remembered how she had looked after the shooting.

Most surprisingly, Lilly appeared to be well rested but it was her emotional state that worried him, “I’m giving you another week off, you’re not ready Lil that’s an order. Not asking you to go to counseling, just to stay home.”

This immediately caused her to argue, “Boss I need to, what am I going to do?”

“I care about you Lil, what had just happened is far worse than two years ago. Something traumatic like this is something I take seriously. We all miss you, but it’s your health that I’m worried about.”

She hated when John acted this way, but he was right. Who was she kidding; Lilly knew that she needed to recover more.

A little while later, her father had surprised her with some Chinese take-out. She couldn’t help but to smile at, as he then set the food down, “Your mother would constantly ask for this, while she was pregnant with you. Spent my whole wedding night in search of good Chinese food”, Paul chuckled.

Lilly immediately went for the hot and sour soup, “Did you ever see mom after you had left?”

“I did about two years ago; I think it was right before she had died. Your mother was so lost, we talked about the day that you were born.”
Paul still had felt guilty for leaving her at the age of six, “Left you and your sister, never really had gotten to know her. “

She could understand, despite who Christina had become; Lilly still loved her sister. In fact she yearned to find her, wanting to forgive already, “Some sister I was treated her horribly.”

“You will always be her sister Lilly, no matter what. Just came by to drop off some dinner, you can call me anytime.”

Tonight she wanted him to stay here, but he had something to do. Later on, she felt her own depression lingering as the dark clouds rolled back in. She felt like there was no hope for her; something that her own mother had felt just before she had died.






tbc..

[Kassandra]

This story is really good

[longislanditalian2]

Next chapter, Feel free to add any suggestions...


Indeed Lilly was going to make the attempt, except that Kat had to cancel to due to another date with her boyfriend. Although she understood, it hurt deeply to feel alone.

Still she was still going to go on her usual run. Once outside, Lilly felt the heavy raindrops that were falling down from the sky, it had seemed as if the weather was feeling exactly what she had been for a long time.

While running, she let her mind try to filter out all the darkness that had been slithering around. However the darkness was that of trauma that had recently happened; instead of it being from her childhood. It only made Lilly run even faster, wanting to flush out her experience of being trapped inside of the car underneath water.

Each time she had picked up the pace, flashes of the accident played over and over again in her mind. It had seemed as if this was a never-ending movie, but unless she came to terms with it; this projection wouldn’t stop.

Lilly had remembered what the social worker had said about her nightmares, but yet her dreams weren’t about this; nor was anyone asking about whom to call.

Still Lilly continued running in the heavy rain, she now liked the sound of it. Though at one point it reminded her of what was going through her mind, right before she had shot George Marks. That was past, plus she knew that he was wrong. How could he compare himself to a sane and smart woman such as herself?

Though Lilly was now alone and completely drenched, but closing her eyes she then looked up. Lilly felt the water pouring down on her porcelain face. Between the quietness and the water from the clouds streaming upon, Lilly breathed out trying to seek some inner peace.

Upon opening them, her body felt completely drenched which wasn’t good. Somehow she continued running home, before changing into a pair of comfortable pajamas. Upon looking into the mirror, Lilly gasped upon seeing the slight of George Marks.

His grin sickened her before dissolving into a body of water where inside she once again saw herself.

Gripping onto her dresser, Lilly felt her heart rate increasing. “I’m Alive, breathe.” she said to herself over and over again, “This isn’t happening.”

Then came her rapid breathing; a sign of a panic attack. Her knees buckled, while Lilly gripped onto the dresser, trying not to pass out.



tbc..

[Kassandra]

eeepp:) short chapter but it's coming along nicely!

[longislanditalian2]

When her frantic heartbeat had finally slowed down, Lilly once again glanced at herself in the mirror. She was losing it big time, all because of the accident. Sure she had been through a lot; getting attacked at the age of ten, being in attic with George Marks which ended with her killing him, then Ed Martison shooting her the night after her own mother had died.

If this wasn’t enough, the image of Moe was still haunting her. Mostly Lilly blamed herself for not seeing how she was dragged into all of this, why she even went alone that night was yet another mystery.

On top of that, Scotty never even ended up picking up the phone. She was angry at him, for his own ignorance but mainly at herself for holding onto her own past.

Only that this time, the blame wasn’t on her mother nor her own childhood; but something else indeed.

After seeing her mother’s headstone at the cemetery, Lilly had realized that she had stop blaming her for everything. Deep inside, she had wished that she was here right now.

Not that Ellen would do any good, but just to have the comfort knowing that Lilly could actually see her face.

With a deep breath, she then decided to leave her hair down; before hearing the sound of her front door opening downstairs. Upon coming down there, Lilly saw her father entering.

This time, due to the letter that he had previously sent and what she had seen in her hallucination; she needed to question several things.

Between driving the pouring rain, between Jersey and here; Paul could still see the vial anger in his daughters’ eyes. Guilt had crept up on him miserably due to his stupid mistakes from long ago.


“Where did you go after you left?” she asked. Paul knew that she deserved answers, but at the same time found it hard for him speaks, “Why does it matter Lilly?”

Hurt flowed throughout Lilly’s entire body, “I need to know, you not just me but Christina as well. She was only two and needed your love; we both did. “

Paul knew that his apologies weren’t going to cut it, not after seeing how his ex had emotional abused his first born. No wonder why Lilly’s eyes were full of rage mixing with a dreaded sadness; something that he had never seen before the age of six.

He wasn’t quick enough to speak, as Lilly now felt her inner rage building, “Why is this some secret, you left never once had bothered to see me or my sister. Forgot about us like we were two pieces of trash, why not give us both up for adoption. We weren’t wanted, just two mistakes.”, as Lilly fought back the tears.

“You weren’t a mistake Lilly, either was your sister. The only mistake I regret was marrying your mother, she caused me to drink. There things that went wrong in our marriage, you know why I couldn’t see you; I was too drunk to even be a parent. How could I be one? “

Her temper now flowed with anger, “I get your I was a lousy dad stuff, but you weren’t. I followed you that night, begged for you to come home. Why didn’t you?”

Paul remembered that painful memory, seeing how his little six year daughter walked barefoot in the snow to find him.

How he had wrapped his scarf around her neck to keep her warm, “Still remembered how you cried, I never regretted having you. I’m sorry I laid Lilly, you are my daughter. Giving you up would have broken me good. “

Tears already flowed down her cheek, as Paul pulled her into an embrace, “I’m sorry Lilly”, he said also crying, and “You don’t know how painful it was for me to leave, both you and your sister. “

He could see all the hurt in both of her eyes, before Lilly pulled away. She wasn’t the same little girl but one that was deeply hurt, “You can’t blame her.”

“I’m not dad, she’s dead. This isn’t about my childhood.” before seeing Moe standing there. In reality he wasn’t, but the terror of what he had done to her, was taking a toll on Lilly both physically and emotionally. She could no longer stand seeing the sight this man.

Just then Lilly raced into the bathroom, throwing up before becoming lightheaded. Gripping onto the edge of the sink, she reminded herself to breath, “He can’t hurt you, your safe Lilly. “

Upon coming out, she nearly collapsed again. Paul knew that it was symptom of her not eating, “You can’t starve yourself Lilly, your practically making yourself sick; over this. You need help, It hurts me to see my own daughter like this.”

He wanted to physically hurt Moe for what he had done to his little girl, almost killing her. Paul knew that rationally he couldn’t do that, but the angry was surely there.

The thought of picturing Lilly inside of the car, as she plunged forty feet down into the water; scared him. For all intensive purposes she could have easily had died. The fact that she was very much alive and had minimal injuries, make him thankful to have his daughter still with him.

Then again, Paul also was very angry at her partner for not reacting in time. For now he needed to remain at Lilly’s side, “You need to speak to someone Lilly, after everything.”

“I’m not going to some shrink dad,” remembering how she had to after the shooting. The thought of telling someone her feelings was completely out of the picture, “I’m not some nut.”

“Never said that you were”, he said sitting down on couch, beside her, “It’s just to talk, you escaped from something very dangerous. The fact that my heart was physically racing as I drove up to the hospital, during the middle of the night scared me. “

Lilly shook her head, “I just need to sleep dad. “. However Paul wasn’t finished speaking, “Getting that phone call then arriving at the hospital. Just hearing what happened did something to me, when you’re a parent and hear about this happening to your child it scare you.”

His hand then gently stroked her cheek, “I thought that night that I was going to lose you, knowing just how much guilt that I’ve been feeling for a long time. It’s my fault that Christina had turned out the way she was, she probably doesn’t remember me; but I still love her. “

Deep inside Lilly did indeed love her sister, knowing that she had gotten taken her anger out on both her sister and partner; when in reality she was her that couldn’t let go of Patrick; about how foolish she was to believe that he loved her. Patrick didn’t, but now looking back Lilly knew she acted out of line.

Besides Christina and Scotty was actually a good couple, he was good to her sister. It all lead up to her now believing that now her baby sister was somewhere alone. Lilly missed her terribly, wanting to reconnect but knew that she was still running from the law.


Losing her would break her in more ways than one, but also losing her father would probably be the worst. She was selfish, knowing that people did care a lot about her. However now, nothing felt right; not even her own beloved job.



tbc...

[Kassandra]

WOOT another amazing chapter Keep it up!!

[longislanditalian2]

When a few days had finally passed, Lilly was finally able to just go out to take a way. She needed sometime to clear her mind, before heading back to work. While jogging through Fairmount Park, her eyes spotted a familiar man; Eddie Saccardo, whom was walking with another woman.

Lilly instantly hid behind a tree, as her heart shattered like glass inside. She could hear him telling his girlfriend a joke; one that she herself found to be funny. Deep down, Lilly was aching to laugh, needing that burst of happiness after all of this. Perhaps, love wasn’t going to bring her that; but instead she herself needed to find her own happiness in herself.

She never was truly happy, or found things that made her feel quite that way. Lilly took a few, silent deep breaths while hearing the sound of them kissing. It still hurt inside, but as the two continued on their little walk together, her eyes watched intently. Lilly had survived after plunging forty feet into the river, but after everything, she still was the same woman that yearned to be loved.

As with the clouds darkening, so did her mood. Instead of the memories of a love now gone, came flash of herself panicking just before her car had been knocked into the river. Lilly swallowed hard, before turning back. Her heart was beating frantically to the point, which it had almost leaped out of her chest.

Her own heart racing was now becoming a problem; but Lilly knew it was due to what had happened to her. Taking in a few more breaths, she walked home. However her heart was nursing yet heartbreak, only which this times it wasn’t from being dumped but the love that she still had for him. Just then her eyes had spotted him once again, with his new love; entering a restaurant.

Instead of watching, Lilly left and headed back to her home. She couldn’t dwell on something that wasn’t going to happy, though she was happy for Saccardo; she wanted to find her own happiness. Maybe just maybe she could actually find a bit, without it involving her job for once.

Once back at home, she turned on the facet as the water came rushing into the tub. Perhaps a warm bath might help to relax her a bit. Sometime after that, Lilly climbed into bed; before closing her eyes. By the next morning, she was up and running in the park again.


Running had seemed to help her clear her mind, but still something was clearly distracting her from doing just that. Through her eyes, Lilly saw three couples; one was of a young couple walking together hand in hand, the next was another as they chased their giggling toddler, the other was of an older couple; still very much in love. She wanted so much to feel that, but now had worried that her own chances of being a mother herself were now lost.

Perhaps it wasn’t, as Lilly continued walking alone she did feel uneasy about returning back to a job that she once had loved. She had thoughts constantly of leaving after everything that had happened; this also had meant leaving Philly as well.

She didn’t feel once at all guilty for having these thoughts; maybe it was better to leave and start a new life someplace else. Lilly was still young and could easily find a job that she would enjoy, like lecturing about criminal justice at a local college.
That thought was something that she was willing to seek, while giving up her badge and the life as a cop forever; most certainly the more that Lilly was thinking about it, the more it had seemed as if that was the right thing to do.

On the day of her return, she went straight into Stillman’s office, before closing the door behind, “Boss can I have a minute?” she asked.

Stillman motioned for her to have a seat, but Lilly found it to be the hardest thing that she could ever imagine doing, “I’m deciding to leave for good, I can’t be a cop not after this.”
This completely broke him, “You’re what?” he said, taking off his glasses. By far he had never imagined her to even say those words out of her mouth. Indeed she did, “Why?”

Lilly felt physically sick to her stomach, “I’m going be leaving Philly for good Boss, I can’t expect to come back and pretend then everything’s fine when it’s now. This job used to hold something for me, but it no longer does.”

“No one can replace you Lil, I need you here. You aren’t the type to just give up, not even when you were ten. That’s not who you are.”
She nodded knowing that she had known John since the age of ten; but still Lilly already had her mind made up. Getting up, Stillman stopped her, “When are you leaving?”

Lilly sighed, “I’m not staying here, just came by to tell you that. “As she got up and walked out of his office, past her partner and Vera. Usually she’d make some sort of eye-contact with her now former co-workers but that was in the past.

“Lil”, came the voice of Stillman as caught up to her, “I need your gun.” which she promptly handed it over to him. He felt saddened to lose someone as special as Lilly, but now had wondered how he was going to deal with no having his best detective on his crew.

She had stopped him from retiring, after he had been suspended. Now, John was tempted to retire for good. He couldn’t imagine working without Lilly.

Once back at home, Lilly started packing. She wanted to leave the city that she had been born it behind, and start up a new life someplace else.

Just then Paul stood there, “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like to your dad?” Lilly answered sarcastically. He knew that his daughter had been going through a lot but this took the cake, “You’re leaving why?”

Lilly didn’t answer, but Paul knew that this was indeed very serious, “Will you answer me Lilly?”, as he touched her shoulder, causing her to flinch.
“I’m just leaving Dad, is that enough reason for you?” he didn’t like her tone at all, “Watch the tone Lilly, when you speak to me. I am still your father. “

She knew that all too well, but continued wrapping some of her stuff in plastic bubble wrap. Paul could see that something was terribly wrong. He knew that his daughter was sinking deeper into her depression, which wasn’t a good sign at all.

“Thought you were at work today,” something that made Lilly sighed deeply, “I quite Dad, I’m no longer a cop. I’m sick of that life; and everything that had happened to me there. Being trapped in attic with a serial killer, being shot the day after mom had died, and now this; can’t settle down and have a family living this way. “

Although Paul hadn’t known about those previous events, just hearing about them made his worrying increase. Some manic serial killer almost took the life of his little girl, and then she had been shot two years later. He felt guilty for not being there for her then, “Many cops have families Lilly.”

Lilly sighed before continued to put more of her stuff into a box, “Well it’s over dad, I’m getting out and starting a new life. “
“What if where you go, you end up feeling the same? You can’t run away from every bad thing that happens to you>”

“You did, after leaving Mom.” something that was still eating up inside of her. Paul sighed softly, “I didn’t go far, not until I re-married. Spend most of the time trying to get up the courage to get myself clean. It was hard Lilly, more than you could ever have imagined. It was the only way to save myself, was to leave. “

Upon throwing several boxes into the kitchen, Paul stood in her way, “You worked so hard to be the woman that you are today; the first female detective in homicide. That’s an honor Lilly, to know that my own daughter accomplished so much. Look how far you’ve come, are you sure that you can just turn your back now?”

Lilly shook her head, “It doesn’t matter anymore to me Dad, and it’s over alright?”
“What are you going to do since you’re no longer a cop?”

She already had several plans, “Lecture about criminal justice at a college,” which had Paul hesitating, “This isn’t you really talking Lilly. Giving up a career that your are so good at, to lecture. Think about it, I can’t see you doing that for the rest of your life.”

“Why should you care Dad, it’s my life.” which is where Paul started to speak, “It maybe but just listen to me Lilly for once. I know your mother would never do this, but I am. Think about all those victims that you brought to justice, how their families can rest now. You aren’t over what had happened to you, but the fact is you are still alive and not lying in some coma or dead.”


tbc

[Kassandra]

AHHH!!! She better go back to work!!! I hate semi cliffhangers lol

Your doing great btw

[longislanditalian2]

A short chapter, I'm trying to make this a good story.. I need more inspiration..


While continuing to ignore what her father had just recently said, Lilly grabbed a box and went upstairs to continue packing. That’s when she noticed a picture on her nightstand, but it wasn’t of the victim but of her and Saccardo. Picking it up, her eyes grew solemn; wishing that he was there for her to talk with. The problem was Lilly still loved him dearly; and now she ached to just have him holding her in his arms.

She needed that, to regain that comfort that had been lost. However Lilly had to move on, Eddie was with a new person now. Still, her eyes fought back the tears that were aching to come out. Just then her tears won, while they started streaming down each of her cheeks. Her heart ached for so much, but yet couldn’t find the means to move on or undo any damages.

While in the middle of packing up her belonging, Lilly came across a photo of both her and Christina when they were younger. A few tears settled in her eyes but didn’t dare stream down, she missed Christina terribly; knowing that now her baby sister was probably lost or in some kind of danger. However, Lilly knew that she had been not such a nice sister all these years, but now any possibly of reconnecting was now ruined.

In the days following, her row home was now up for sale; while she was searching for a new home; outside of the Philly area. Though what Lilly was looking for was now extremely expensive, she had saved up quite a lot. However after being shown quite a few, she found the perfect one; outside of Hartford, Connecticut.


tbc..

[longislanditalian2]

On her last day in Philly, Stillman finally stopped by to wish her well. Stepping inside of now the empty row home, knowing now what she was going to do. Not that he was pleased about seeing his brightest detective leaving, “You really serious about this Lil?”

Lilly shot him a cold look, but still had considered the man that had tried to kill her. She wanted to get back but had found that she had no other choice than to leave the city forever. However that’s when Stillman’s voice broke her own concentration, “If you want to come back, you can. “

With a nod he left, as Lilly grabbed her keys before looking back. There was also of memories here, some bad, some good but letting out a sigh, she hoped that her new life would be better. Just as the front door had closed, someone familiar called out her name.
Scotty stood there, after finally realizing that his partner wasn’t coming back, “You do know that you’re making a big mistake.”
“Why do you care so much?” she asked. He let out a sigh,” Just saying Lil, you of all people never give up.”
However with her mind already made up, Lilly opened up her car door. She had no intention of speaking to him, but just to drive away forever. Just after driving away, her mind fluttered towards the new life, but not the memories she had of this great city. Upon seeing that she had to go over a bridge, her heart started racing. Flashes of that night, played over and over again.

Lilly gripped onto the steering wheel, as she tried to regain some composure. However she could feel her heart right now, just about to jump out of her chest. She needed some air, but found that she couldn’t breathe. Upon pulling on over, Lilly got up before throwing up. Upon looking up, her eyes caught Moe standing there, but in reality he wasn’t actually there; just in her mind.

As Lilly got back into the car, she had wondered if she still was really dead. It would seem logical right now, considering what was going on in her life. Somehow while driving; Lilly became more convinced the she was.


tbc..