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Post by Naj on Aug 14, 2009 8:20:43 GMT -5
Doctor, Doctor, Tell Me The News!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure.
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams: "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
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Post by Naj on Aug 17, 2009 8:39:04 GMT -5
Legal Gates of Paradise...
Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter.
St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven.
He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?"
The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through.
He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?"
Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!".
St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".
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Post by lillyfan on Aug 19, 2009 8:13:12 GMT -5
I found this in Reader's Digest, thought it was hilarious ;D
Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets."
Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. The maitre d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."
"But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."
The maitre d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.
His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. "You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maitre d' says.
"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"
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Post by Naj on Aug 20, 2009 8:27:20 GMT -5
;D funny lillyfan!
Here's mine for today.
How To Handle a Traffic Stop...
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: This car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir, that's where I put it after I shot the owner of this car and stuffed his body in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!
Driver: Yes sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. The Captain slowly approached the driver...
Captain: Sir, can I see you license? Driver: Sure, here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration card.
Captain: Could you slowly open the glove box so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Yes sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there was a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened: no body.
Captain: I don't understand. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet he told you that I was speeding, too.
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Post by Naj on Aug 21, 2009 8:34:44 GMT -5
Love and Marriage, By Kids... HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 And The #1 Response Was... HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10
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Post by Naj on Aug 24, 2009 7:31:28 GMT -5
Quiz for Kids...
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? e.g.abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one.) A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Post by Naj on Aug 25, 2009 8:43:53 GMT -5
Watch The Watch...
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Claude the Amazing Hypnotist was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Crap!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
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Post by Naj on Aug 28, 2009 8:44:28 GMT -5
Birthday Wishes...
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
“Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”
Little Bobby was a bit of a trouble maker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the year.
“Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday. “Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
*****
LETTER 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your Friend, Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
*****
LETTER 2
Dear God,
I have been an “OK” Boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a third letter.
*****
LETTER 3
Dear God,
I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday please.
Thank you, Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went down stairs and told his Mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby’s mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. “Just be home in time for dinner, “ Bobby’s mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the alter. He looked around to see if any one was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the Church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen and began to write his letter to God.
*****
LETTER 4
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Bobby ;D
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Post by lillyfan on Aug 28, 2009 10:50:02 GMT -5
That's way cute Naj!! A teacher passed out lifesavers in her classroom to teach the children to identify flavors by their color. Red.........CherryYellow......LemonGreen.......LimeOrange.....OrangeFinally, the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teach said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit out her lifesaver and yelled, "Oh no! They're a$$holes" The teacher had to leave the room.
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Post by silversideup on Aug 28, 2009 16:09:05 GMT -5
That's way cute Naj!! A teacher passed out lifesavers in her classroom to teach the children to identify flavors by their color. Red.........CherryYellow......LemonGreen.......LimeOrange.....OrangeFinally, the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teach said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit out her lifesaver and yelled, "Oh no! They're a$$holes" The teacher had to leave the room. I loved that one, lillyfan!
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Post by Naj on Aug 31, 2009 7:50:27 GMT -5
lillyfan! The End of the World... In the middle of a huge metropolitan city was a skyscraper where at the top was a bar. At the end of a particularly hard day at work Jim went up to the bar to let go the stresses of that day. When he got there, there was already a man sitting at the bar drinking a particularly vile looking drink. This strange man said "watch this" and proceeded to walk over to one of the large windows lining the wall. He then picked up a chair and smashed out the window and stepped out. He started falling toward the ground turning end over end and right before he hit the ground he stopped and proceeded to drift up. He floated back up through the window and went back over to the bar. Jim looked at the bartender and said "I'll have what he's having!" After a few rounds of the drink, Jim stumbled over to the window and fell out. He fell all the way to the ground and landed with a loud SMACK. The bartender turns to the mysterious man and says "Superman, you're such a jerk when you're drunk!
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Post by lillyfan on Sept 1, 2009 7:40:30 GMT -5
Naj, That one was freakin awesome... I really, REALLY needed the laugh.
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Post by Naj on Sept 4, 2009 7:55:01 GMT -5
So glad to oblige you, lillyfan. Ridiculous but funny is the next one. A Summer Skirt Situation...As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a lovely looking woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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Post by Naj on Sept 11, 2009 6:30:12 GMT -5
Do You Know Your State Motto?
Alabama: Heck Yes, We Have Electricity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nevada: Prostitutes and Poker! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To an Attorney ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tennessee: The Educashun State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vermont: Yep ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack jaw Yokels Don't Mix? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington: Help! Nerds And Slackers Overrun Us! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and The Sheep Are Scared
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Post by Naj on Sept 12, 2009 8:18:58 GMT -5
Health Care In These United States, Part 1...
These were actual hospital patient reports! Enjoy.
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
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Post by lillyfan on Sept 12, 2009 20:54:31 GMT -5
MAKING A BABY... There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am" he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain, Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my Gosh!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in. Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment? "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod ?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted!
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Post by Naj on Sept 13, 2009 8:03:10 GMT -5
Miracle at a Gas Station...
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in the car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting."
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Post by Naj on Sept 14, 2009 9:56:47 GMT -5
Daddy Action...
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
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Post by Naj on Sept 15, 2009 7:30:55 GMT -5
This is gotta be one of the funniest I've seen. ;D The Lord's Payer... When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart. Groton, Mass. My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes." Missoula, Mont. My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?" Uniontown, Ohio I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread." Covina, Calif. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, Ohio When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag . . . And to the republic for Richard Stands." Tampa, Fla. When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read. Oak Harbor, Wash. When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat." Grand Junction, Colo. When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.
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Post by Naj on Sept 16, 2009 8:10:50 GMT -5
He Is Watching You...
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name a pit bull, Jesus."
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