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Post by Naj on Jul 13, 2009 7:25:54 GMT -5
Workplace Negotiations...
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Post by Naj on Jul 14, 2009 9:37:28 GMT -5
Taxi Cab Confessions.....
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, when then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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Post by Naj on Jul 15, 2009 8:18:23 GMT -5
A Cleaning Cheat Sheet for Men... * Broom (brum) - a long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles as a mode of transportation for your mother) * Vacuum (vak' u em) - much like the leaf blower except it sucks in, instead of blowing out. Don't let this alarm you. It isn't broken and doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the dishwasher. * Dust pan (DUH) - Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep the dirt, not under the hallway area rug. * Dust Cloth (dust kloth) - A cloth designated for removing tiny particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: look for your old "lucky shirt". * Bucket (buk' it)- Cylindric container used for holding soapy water when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet when you're playing with our seven-year-old. * Mop - (mop) a bundle of coarse yarn, rags or cloth fastened at the end of a stick. You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New Year's Eve party last year. * Toilet Brush (toi' lit brush) - Used for scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl. I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my shower luffa again! * Oven Cleaner (uv' en Klen' er) - No, not the teenager. This is an actually product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but if it makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead. * Sponge (spunj) - used to gently wash away food particles from dinnerware. It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power wash set. That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the EXTERIOR of the house (hint hint). * Squeegee (skwe' je) - Same principle as washing the car windshield, and yes, real men DO squeegee!
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Post by Naj on Jul 16, 2009 8:28:10 GMT -5
Blondeback Mountain...
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...
Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
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Post by Naj on Jul 17, 2009 7:57:49 GMT -5
You Ever Wonder Why... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? Why doctors call what they do "practice"? And... Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why - don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Post by lillyfan on Jul 18, 2009 11:17:34 GMT -5
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: one line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here".
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Post by Naj on Jul 20, 2009 8:47:39 GMT -5
![](http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y239/bestwishes_always/lmao.gif) Funny one, lillyfan. Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road, Part 1... Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was. Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy. Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999. M.C. Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
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Post by Naj on Jul 21, 2009 7:21:01 GMT -5
Yeah...
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
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Post by Naj on Jul 24, 2009 7:27:55 GMT -5
Car Troubles...
A blond was driving home on the freeway after work when she was hit by a hailstorm that left her car completely dented all over. She decided to go to a body shop and asked the owner how much he would charge to remove the dents. Seeing that she was a blond, he winked at his partner, and told her it wouldn't cost anything if she followed his instructions carefully.
She drove home and when her blond roommate came out of the house she found her friend sitting on the ground at the back of the car blowing really hard in the tail pipe.
"What on earth are you doing" she asked.
Her friend looking up with big smile and a black ring around her mouth said "The man at the body shop told me that I could save a lot of money on repair work if I blew really hard into the tail pipe. he said that all the dents would pop out"
"Duhhh" said her friend, "but first you have to roll up all the windows!!!"
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Post by lillyfan on Jul 24, 2009 11:28:24 GMT -5
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Post by Naj on Jul 27, 2009 7:25:22 GMT -5
Ah! lillyfan. ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) ~~~ Afterlife Accidents... An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Post by lillyfan on Jul 27, 2009 11:18:26 GMT -5
OK, it took my blonde brain a second but I got it
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Post by Naj on Jul 29, 2009 8:55:25 GMT -5
Things You Shouldn't Ask Your Mother...
Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?" To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman."
Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman."
Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me."
Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.
Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds."
Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight.
Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?"
Susie waved the license in the air, and replied:
"It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!"
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Post by Naj on Jul 30, 2009 8:01:03 GMT -5
Prison vs. Work... In case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear.... IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. . . . . . . . . . AT WORK... they are called managers.
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Post by Naj on Aug 4, 2009 8:22:30 GMT -5
It's Not What It Looks Like...Three birds were flying south for the winter. Unfortunately, there was an early frost and the birds were caught in high altitude cold. Their wings froze and they fell to the ground where they began to freeze. Suddenly a cow came by and defecated on the birds. Beneath the blanket of warm dung the birds defrosted and came back to health. The first bird was so happy at this turn of events that he climbed out of the pile of dung, shook himself clean and began to dance about. This attracted the attention of a nearby cat that pounced on the happy bird and ate him. By this time the second bird climbed up and stuck his head out of the dung. He was so happy at this turn of events that he began to sing. This attracted the attention of the cat and he pulled the second bird out from the dung and ate him. At this point the third bird pushed himself out of the side of the dung and, not to attract the cat’s attention, covered with dung, quietly walked over to hide in the high grass. Eventually he met up with his friends who all ridiculed him for his stinking appearance. Nonetheless, third bird lived a long life. He would later teach his grandchildren his version of the “Ten Commandments”: 1) Never try to fly as highest of the group. 2) Whatever goes up must come down. 3) Not everyone who defecates on you is your enemy. 4) Not everyone who pulls you out of dung is your friend. 5) Never dance as if no one is watching. 6) Never sing as if no one is listening. 7) Keep your mouth shut when others are celebrating their successes. 8) Always dress for the occasion. 9) In an emergency walk, don’t run to the nearest exit. 10) Never be ashamed of your appearance or of where you come from. ~~~ not sure this was all that funny. you decide. ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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Post by Naj on Aug 5, 2009 7:41:51 GMT -5
Is There Baseball In Heaven?
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him daily.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend for years........of course, I'll tell you."
And shortly after, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That's great, but what's the bad news?"
"Ahhh -- Sam, you're pitching next Tuesday."
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Post by lillyfan on Aug 6, 2009 8:21:52 GMT -5
A nice, calm respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you Cyanide to kill your husband!! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any Cyanide." The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription"
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Post by Naj on Aug 9, 2009 7:18:14 GMT -5
Piggy! Piggy! Piggy! After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank. "Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don't take my farm, we'll be broke and homeless." The bank manager comes up with an idea. "OK, one more chance but not with crops. No one fails at pig farming so we'll finance the purchase of five sows to start you off. Your neighbor down the road has a boar pig and you'll have to take your sows to him so the boar can service them. In a few months you should have a bunch of little piglets all ready for market. Farmer Jones collects the five sows, loads them into his pickup truck, drives to his neighbor and unloads the five sows into the boar's pen. They then go back to the farm house and have a couple of beers. When enough time has passed they go back to the boar's pen and load five happy sows into the pickup. Farmer Jones asks, "What if it didn't take?" "That never happens with my boar," replies the neighbor. "But how can I tell for sure?" "Look, tomorrow morning observe your sows. If they're rolling in the mud, it took, if they're on the grass, call me." The following morning farmer Jones observed his sows strolling on the grass. He calls his neighbor who instructs him to bring them back. He rounds them up, loads them into the pickup and drives to the boar'spen where the whole process is repeated. The following morning farmer Jones observed his sows strolling on the grass. He calls his neighbor who instructs him to bring them back. He rounds them up, loads them into the pickup and drives to the boar'spen where the whole process is repeated. Unlucky farmer Jones has to load them in the pickup and take them back four times. On the fifth morning he is so worried he can't look. He stalls for half an hour then asks his wife to look. "I hope they're not on the grass, dear." "Well they're not," says his wife. "Oh finally, then they're rolling in the mud!" exclaimed the farmer. "No..." "Well what are those fool sows doing? "Well, four are trying to climb into the pickup and the fifth managed to climb into the cab and is trying to honk the horn!!!" ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png)
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Post by Naj on Aug 12, 2009 8:24:05 GMT -5
![](http://www.yelims.com/IPB/Invision-Board-France-238.gif) Airplane Mode, Part 1... The in-flight "safety lecture" and pre-flight announcements on airplanes are sometimes spiced up a bit at some airlines. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." ***************************** "On landing, ******************************* "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." **************************** "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ******************************* "After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." *************************** "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." ***************************** Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." ********************************* "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." *********************** "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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Post by Naj on Aug 13, 2009 8:59:55 GMT -5
Airplane Mode, Part 2...
The in-flight "safety lecture" and pre-flight announcements on airplanes are sometimes spiced up a bit at some airlines. Here is the second part of some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
********************************************
"Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."
*********************************************
"Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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"Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing. "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
***************************************************
"An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
*******************************************************
"After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
*********************************************************
"Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
*********************************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
******************************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." ;D
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