Gina
Reformed Bad Gurl
10%
I like women, wine, and spaghetti.
Posts: 55,002
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Post by Gina on May 5, 2009 16:02:05 GMT -5
HAHAHAHA. ;D
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Post by Naj on May 6, 2009 9:05:20 GMT -5
Oh Say, Can You See? ![](http://www.yelims.com/IPB/Invision-Board-France-220.gif) Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, ![](http://www.yelims.com/IPB/Invision-Board-France-238.gif) "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die...
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Post by eduardodelroice on May 6, 2009 11:18:31 GMT -5
Lol Naj! Good one
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Post by Naj on May 7, 2009 8:30:54 GMT -5
Gassy Check Up... ![](http://www.yelims.com/IPB/Smiley-IPB-457.gif) A woman goes to her doctor next door and tell him the problems she's been having. "Doctor, I've been having troubles with my farts, they're silent and have no smell." "That's weird, here, take these pills and come back in a week and tell me if they worked". So the woman takes the pills, twice a day, for a whole week, and then returns to the doctor a week later. "Doctor, the pills you gave me are worse!" "How come?" asks the doctor? "Well, my farts are loud now, but they still have no smell". "Good, now that we've unblocked your ears, let's get you some pills to clear up your nose".
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Post by eduardodelroice on May 7, 2009 16:02:37 GMT -5
Lol Good one Naj
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Post by Naj on May 9, 2009 9:09:32 GMT -5
Best of Late Night...
"Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards waiting to watch his wife on 'Oprah.'" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White House yesterday for burgers. Yeah! Obama ordered a cheeseburger and Biden asked for whatever comes with the toy." --Jimmy Fallon
"Hey, today, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marriage and the first gay couple to get married? I was surprised: L.L. Bean and the old Pepperidge Farm guy." --Jay Leno
"Paula Abdul is in the news again. Paula had the courage to reveal that she's been addicted to prescription painkillers for the past 12 years. And to Paula, I'd just like to say, 'We knew.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama spoke on the phone this weekend for 20 minutes with Mexican President Calderon on how to cooperate on fighting this swine flu thing. Afterwards, he said the people of America and Mexico have found common ground. I believe it's called Los Angeles." --Jay Leno
"Good news, ladies and gentlemen. It seems as though we have the old swine flu on the run. The people down there at the CDC, Centers for Disease Control, say that it is now mild. They consider the swine flu to be mild. But they did say because today is Cinco de Mayo, today and today only, it will be spicy." --David Letterman
"And health officials have confirmed the first case of the virus being transmitted from a person to a pig. A farmer has transmitted the virus back to a pig. Scientists say they have not been able to come up with a good explanation on how this happened and neither has the farmer." --Jay Leno
"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson
"This weekend, Time magazine released its list of the world's most influential people. And my good friend Tina Fey is on the list, but so is the one who's name we shall not say Palin. It's weird, isn't it, how those two people are forever connected in a way, right? Two people who are so different yet they look so much alike. It's like me and George Clooney." --Jimmy Fallon
"Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down. Now this guy has been called a reclusive loner who is against marriage. It's like I have a twin." --David Letterman
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Post by Naj on May 10, 2009 16:23:48 GMT -5
In Honor of Mother's Day..... 25 Reasons You Owe Your Mother...1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Were you raised in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you." Become a Teacher! Learn More Here!
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Post by Naj on May 12, 2009 11:09:16 GMT -5
If I Only Had A...
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, "We have three possible donors.
The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident.
The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.
And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years.
Which do you want?"
After some careful thought, the patient replied, "I'll take the lawyer's heart."
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart.
"It was easy," explained the patient...
"I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
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Post by Naj on May 13, 2009 8:26:51 GMT -5
One Wise Man... A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. ![](http://www.yelims.com/IPB/Smiley-IPB-252.gif) "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
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Post by Naj on May 14, 2009 9:20:33 GMT -5
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof...
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week.
When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.
The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that.
When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down.
Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up.
Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
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Post by Naj on May 15, 2009 8:13:38 GMT -5
The Best of Late Night... ![](http://www.yelims.com/IPB/Invision-Board-France-294.gif) "Those of you who are residents of California, you can stop stockpiling food and water. You can unlock your doors again. Miss California is keeping her crown! So California is no longer rudderless. We have a leader." --Jay Leno "Anybody ever mail anything any more? Well, the price of a stamp is going up to 44 cents. Pretty soon, it will actually be cheaper and easier to just put a little glue on a dollar bill and stick it to an envelope." --David Letterman "What a scandal we've had brewing here in the Golden State. You're not going to believe this, but Miss California, a beauty contestant, posed for naked pictures. Her fate was decided by Donald Trump, who owns the Miss USA pageant. Trump says Miss California can keep her crown. Actually, her trouble started when she stated her opposition to same-sex marriage. And after noting that even President Obama does not support same-sex marriage, Trump pointed out that he personally believes that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a series of progressively younger women." --Jimmy Kimmel "John Edwards said that he and his wife are getting to a better place. He said that, after he admitted his affair, he took a long, hard look in the mirror and fell in love all over again." --Jay Leno "How about Major League Baseball's Manny Ramirez, huh? Ramirez tested positive for a female fertility drug. But the good news is, he's apparently expecting twins." --David Letterman "And California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. Good slogan he has — 'Yes, we cannabis.'" --Jay Leno "The Post Office announced that the price of a stamp is going up to 44 cents. This is getting out of control. Yeah. If there were just some other way to send written messages that were free and a million times faster. If you guys think of something, e-mail me." --Jimmy Fallon "Hey, how about this? State officials warned today California could be broke by July, which is great because most people thought we were already broke." --Jay Leno "I am starting to really worry about the Republican Party. I mean, last week they lost Arlen Specter. You know who they lost this week? Joe the plumber. Joe the plumber is quitting the Republican Party. This is like the Grateful Dead losing stoners." --Bill Maher "Joe the plumber said at first he was flattered the Republicans were asking him for advice, and then one day, he remembered, he's a moron." --Bill Maher
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Post by lillyfan on May 16, 2009 19:29:09 GMT -5
This one reminded me of an email that I got a while back. Gotta Love Old Men I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Post by Naj on May 18, 2009 8:05:05 GMT -5
OMG that is so funny, lillyfan. ![](http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y239/bestwishes_always/lolLtBlue.gif) ;D Well mine doesn't compete but here it is: Give a Man a Fish...One day, a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered deeply into the hole examining it for fish. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed, "There are no fish down there." Surprised, but not discouraged, the fisherman continued on. He walked several yards away, drilled another hole and peered deeply into it. Again, out of nowhere, a voice suddenly boomed, "There's no fish down there." A bit nervous now, the fisherman managed to continue. He walked about 50 yards away and drilled yet another hole, peered long and deep into the hole, hoping for some fish. Suddenly, the voice boomed again, this time louder than ever, "There's no fish down there!!!" The fisherman, quite frightened at this point, looked up into the sky and asked, "God!? Is that you?" "No, you idiot," the voice said. "It's the rink manager."
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Post by lillyfan on May 18, 2009 13:13:46 GMT -5
OMG that is so funny, lillyfan. ![](http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y239/bestwishes_always/lolLtBlue.gif) ;DWell mine doesn't compete but here it is: U kidding, your's are freakin hilarious. I look forward to new jokes on this thread. Where I work I could use some funny everyday.
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Post by Naj on May 19, 2009 8:09:59 GMT -5
I'm glad we can mildly entertain everyone. Well, let's say most of you. Managerial Mishaps... ![](http://yelims1.free.fr/Animaux/Vache05.gif) The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean up all of the cow manure. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. ![](http://yelims1.free.fr/Animaux/Animaux24.gif) The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?" The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to make decisions!"
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Post by Naj on May 20, 2009 8:13:40 GMT -5
Shave and a Haircut... A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." ![](http://yelims.free.fr/Pipi/Toilette09.gif)
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Post by Naj on May 21, 2009 8:49:49 GMT -5
Ch, Ch, Ch, Ch, Changes... A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. A bright light approaches her and as she the light gets brighter, she sees God and wonders if, "This is it..." God, omnipotent as he is, reads her minde and definitely says: "No. This is not it." He goes on to explain that she has another 30 to 40 years to live. The bright light fades away and the woman begins to awake. After her complete recovery, the woman decides to stay in the hospital and get a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in to change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 to 40 years she might as well make the most of it. After the last operation, she walks out of the hospital and right in the parking lot, she's killed by an ambulance speeding up to the emergency room! She approaches the white light again and finally arrives before God. Sheasks, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" To which God replied: "Sally? Is that you? Oh, dear. Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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Post by lillyfan on May 21, 2009 14:53:43 GMT -5
Words Women Use
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Don't be mad about this, it is just the same 5 minutes you use when it's your turn to help do things around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "%@&* YOU!"
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong"- for the woman's response refer to #3.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know its true.
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Post by Naj on May 22, 2009 8:33:44 GMT -5
Words Women Use is so so funny. ![](http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y239/bestwishes_always/lmao.gif) I can't stop laughing. ![](http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y239/bestwishes_always/lolLtBlue.gif) I'm going to print this one out! The Best of Late Night...
"Hey, President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantanamo Bay. He's going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership." --Jay Leno "The Somali pirate on trial in Manhattan was indicted on 10 charges of piracy yesterday. His bail was set at 100 doubloons." --Jimmy Fallon "The economy is so bad, Bill Maher is going to church just for the free bread and wine." --Jay Leno "Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon "Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." --Jay Leno "President Obama appointed Utah's Republican Governor Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China, part of Obama's strategy to get every Republican out of the country by 2010." --Jimmy Fallon "Now, oh, you know what NASA is up to? You remember the Hubble Space Telescope. They're repairing it. The NASA astronauts went up there and they're doing a lot of work. Having some trouble. Because it's difficult. Everything is more difficult in space. You know that, right? Yeah. And they're having trouble. And I said, 'Well, no surprise to me that they're having trouble making these repairs. After all, these people aren't exactly rocket scientists.'" --David Letterman "Well, last week, the FDA scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10%. Well, they're not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record." --Jay Leno "You know Vice President Joe Biden? Now they're saying that he apparently had a couple of drinks and he was shooting his mouth off. And he announced the location of Vice President Dick Cheney -- the old Vice President -- his hiding place. And Joe Biden says, 'Well, I know where the heck it is. He had, like, a bunker under his house.' And I was thinking if you're going to reveal secrets about something, why don't you reveal a secret about where bin Laden is hiding." --David Letterman "The former Vice President Dick Cheney is in town, ladies and gentlemen, in New York City. He's here to see all of his favorite shows: 'Phantom', 'Wicked', 'Stomp.'" --David Letterman
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Post by lillyfan on May 22, 2009 10:54:36 GMT -5
"Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon "Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." --Jay Leno These two have me in tears!!
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