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Post by bananapancakes on Feb 20, 2009 14:38:07 GMT -5
Oh, they're great Especially like: WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 Definitely a good plan!
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Post by Naj on Feb 21, 2009 8:50:48 GMT -5
Snake EyesA old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
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Post by eduardodelroice on Feb 21, 2009 10:02:33 GMT -5
Lol Naj!
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Post by Naj on Feb 23, 2009 9:55:23 GMT -5
Medical Care In Heaven... Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven...for five days!"
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Post by eduardodelroice on Feb 23, 2009 10:18:12 GMT -5
Lol Naj!
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Post by Naj on Feb 24, 2009 9:23:16 GMT -5
Second Chances...A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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Post by eduardodelroice on Feb 24, 2009 9:57:57 GMT -5
Lol Naj; You always bring good jokes
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Post by Naj on Feb 25, 2009 10:26:33 GMT -5
Bar Troubleshooting... "Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Fault: Glass empty. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Action: Retire to gents' room, practice in mirror. Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Improper bladder control. Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer. Symptom: Floor blurred. Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Floor moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Fault: You have fallen over backward. Action: Have yourself leashed to bar. Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts. Fault: You have fallen forward. Action: See above. Symptom: Room seems unusually dark. Fault: Bar has closed. Action: Confirm home address with bartender.
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Post by eduardodelroice on Feb 25, 2009 10:39:25 GMT -5
Lol Naj
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Post by Naj on Feb 26, 2009 9:29:43 GMT -5
The Husband Store... A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids." The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better." she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework." "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me! But just think what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please."
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Post by eduardodelroice on Feb 26, 2009 10:10:54 GMT -5
Lol Naj; It's funny
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Post by Naj on Feb 27, 2009 8:53:37 GMT -5
The Best of Late Night...
"Nation, last night, once again, the political stage was set on fire by a brilliant orator, a man whose charisma even I have to admit can only be rivaled by a giant Brad Pitt made out of puppies. I'm speaking of, of course, of Bobby Jindal." --Stephen Colbert
"Let's begin with the big story. Last night, President Barack Obama's not State of the Union address. His first speech to Congress is not technically a State of the Union address, which is nice, because this is one year you probably do not want to complete the sentence, 'The state of the union is...'" --Jon Stewart
"Last night, our president delivered his first State of the Union address. It was very well received. In fact, they're saying it was the best State of the Union address ever delivered by an African-American president." --Jimmy Kimmel
"No, but it's hurting everyone all over. You heard about this, the Oscars are going to be a lot less gaudy this year. The Oscars, where I'm a presenter this year ... in the category I should have been nominated in. ... No, my money is on 'Slumdog Millionaire,' which is also what I call my broker" --Bill Maher
"Archaeologists are going nuts in this town because they found the preserved skeleton of a 10,000-year-old mammoth while digging near the L.A. County Museum of Art. Of course, people all over the world are stunned. L.A. has a museum of art? What? And Larry King is furious. He thought he was the oldest thing in L.A. Apparently not." --Jay Leno
"the one who's name we shall not say Palin, the governor of Alaska, owes $70,000 in taxes, but listen to this. She's blaming it on Alex Rodriguez's cousin." --David Letterman
"Airports all around the country now are switching from metal detectors to those high-tech scanning machines that show a naked image of your body. And this is raising a lot of privacy concerns, especially among women. The good news? Airport security guys now are paying attention 100%." --Jay Leno
"There's a new study that says that in America, rich people are ruder than poor people. This is shocking because I didn't know America had any rich people left." --Craig Ferguson
"President Obama made his first trip abroad today. He visited Canada, and let me tell you something: If Obama can finally mend our relationship with Canada, well then we'll know this guy really is on to something." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Are you excited about the Academy Awards? There is a film in the Best Documentary category about Vice President Dick Cheney and his relationship with the Saudis. And you know what the name of that one is? 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia.'" --David Letterman
"Hey, at 7:00 a.m. this morning, California finally passed a budget. We have a budget in California. The impasse was finally broken when Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger threatened to make a sequel to 'Kindergarten Cop.'" --Jay Leno
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Post by eduardodelroice on Feb 27, 2009 8:56:35 GMT -5
Thanks Naj
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Post by Naj on Mar 3, 2009 8:35:42 GMT -5
Do You Know Who I Am?An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell." The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!" The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam" The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?" The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are." With that, the guy said "Good!" plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other student's exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room! ~~~ Math, Math, Math... A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?" The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
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Post by eduardodelroice on Mar 3, 2009 9:03:59 GMT -5
Lol the second one but did not understand the first one
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Post by Naj on Mar 4, 2009 11:05:10 GMT -5
The teacher didn't know his pupil so how would he know which paper to give him a zero grade? ;D Does that help? Forgive Me, Father... Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says "is that you Matthew?" "Yes father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No father, I cannot tell you." The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What did you get?" Matthew replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
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Post by eduardodelroice on Mar 4, 2009 11:12:39 GMT -5
Funny Naj
Thanks for the explanation
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Post by Naj on Mar 5, 2009 8:30:17 GMT -5
Quotes That Make You Think:Even children of the same mother look different. Man's affairs are evaluated only after his coffin is closed. Carve the peg by looking at the hole. You will hate a beautiful song if you sing it often. Words have no wings but they can fly a thousand miles. The bad plowman quarrels with his ox. Even a sheet of paper seems lighter when two people lift it together A turtle travels only when it sticks its neck out. Where there are no tigers, a wildcat is very self-important. Put off for one day and ten days will pass. A kitchen knife cannot carve its own handle. Even a fish wouldn't get into trouble if it kept its mouth shut. Power lasts ten years; influence not more than a hundred. Cast no dirt into the well that gives you water. Even if the sky falls on you, there is a hole that you can escape from. This is Rex Barker, wishing you all a very meaningful and relaxing weekend. ~~~ Cheeky Monkey... A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving," motioned the monkey.
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Post by bananapancakes on Mar 7, 2009 11:30:28 GMT -5
Love the quotes, especially: Words have no wings but they can fly a thousand miles.
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Post by eduardodelroice on Mar 7, 2009 12:15:54 GMT -5
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